Let's go back in time....February 28 1998
"...This term is almost over, 2 more weeks till finals and then spring break. This term has been pretty good. I like my art classes and my Spanish teacher is good. I've really enjoyed Photography and my teacher Lorena. Sculpture has been okay, I've done one project I like. Painting is okay too, I like my teacher again. Next term I am taking painting, drawing, Spanish, and independent study (more painting). It should be interesting. During spring break I'm going to clean out the basement for my studio. My friend Krista gave me a really nice book on Basquiat, it is a really nice book. I have been doing a little research into the NYC art scene of the 80's. Reading Keith Harring's journal. By reading his journal, I have much more of an appreciation for him and his art. He is a good thinker and writer. I am just so curious about what makes people create art, and do I have the need to create? Why am I in Art school? Am I really passionate about anything?I feel like a faker sometimes, I am not obsessed with art and it seems like you need to be in order to create good things. I don't know. Also, after reading Keith's journal mine looks like JR. High school. I don't contemplate or analyze. I need to think more, (less in some cases though)..."
April 18 1998
"...I'm painting a really big painting and I'm kinda stuck. It bugs me, but time will solve it, I 'm sure. Sometimes, I forget I'm expressing myself. It seems like I get lost and go on someone else's emotion (music) etc. The apartment is trashed because of my painting..."
Almost a year's gap...
March 19 1999
"...It is Spring break, I only have ten more weeks of college left and I'll have my B.F.A. in painting. Exciting and Scary. After school, heading back to Fayetteville in August. To do what, I don't know... I have tons of ideas but who knows what will really happen. I just turned 27. Seems older than 25 or 26, getting close to 30!..."
April 5 1999
"... I am on campus waiting to have my review with my painting teacher, Laura Vandenburg, she wants to see what we've been up to. I want to remember some of my painting and art teacher's names in case they get famous...
- Ron Graff- painting/drawing
- Carla Bengston- painting/drawing
- Cara Tomlinson- painting/drawing
- Laura Vandenburg- painting
- Dora Natella- sculpture/design
- Lorena Turner- photography
April 10 1999"... my BFA terminal show is in 5 weeks. I have so much work to do but I've been having some good ideas. I better jot them down before I forget them..." (see image to the left for these ideas)
April 16 1999
"... Back to Art, my show is in 4 weeks. I am not doing any work. I can't motivate. I can't write, it takes too much effort like everything else. Maybe- I should just have another coke and see what's on TV..."
April no date 1999
"...my life is a mess yet calm and proceeding right on schedule too. My show is in 2 weeks, and of course I will graduate in June. My hands look old..."
May 12 1999
"... my show is on Monday! I'm excited but nervous too. What if they don't get it? What if they don't take the time? I just want to hide. My face gets all hot, red, and stingy when I talk about my show. I spaz out about it, too excited and sweaty, it leaves me tired and wanting a drink. I am listening to Tom Waits- Rain dogs. Sometimes he sounds so right..."
May 21 1999
"... Well. Today is the last day of my show. I'm sitting in it. It comes down in about 3 hours. The opening was a big success. I was pleased. People responded the way I had hoped. They sat on the couch and they read the books. They laughed, they read out loud, they seemed touched. Of course some people just walk by. Some are confused and don't know what to do. It is a bit sad when they look over at my work and just walk on by, so into only what is on the walls. They don't want to touch, dirty old books. Anyway, it was a good experience, I kept costs low, but gave a good show. I stuck to my guns whether or not it was completely accepted.
I will always want more..."
your very brave to show your journy. and very REAL lots of successful people like to act like they just sorta got their without struggling with self doudt or caring about what oters think of their art.
ReplyDeletethanks for showing vulnerablilty as well as strength, courage and hope.
your an inspiration!
sorry i just noticed typos and misspells (i truly am a horrible speller)but usually catch the typos i can spell others:)
ReplyDeleteps LOVE the book project. i dont know whats in it (what was in it?) but i can imagine you advising others how to look at your art in an intelligent manor:)
ReplyDeletesame track - you're just wiser. Isn't that interesting? Not too long ago - bust sooooo long at the same time.
ReplyDeleteAgain I feel fortunate that you share your thoughts and experiences as a resource to other artists.
ReplyDeleteThey are as comforting as they are inspirational.
I particularly recognize your feelings about passion and the questioning of your own motives for wanting to create. Very often i feel like I'm faking it because I don't obsess over art/artists.
Thanks
Going Back In Time - Such an amazing thing to do - makes you reflect where you've been, and whether you strayed from your ambitions.
ReplyDeleteWanting more is the divine drive we are given as artists - I'm so glad you listened to it. :)
it is lovely to see these early journal entries, you are both honest and open in your approach to your art and your thoughts about art.
ReplyDeletei think the very fact that you do question your motives makes you a more genuine & serious painter, it think when you neglect your intentions and motives is when things become false.
you should always question everything you do.