These past three days were unusual for me. I gratefully had a job, and I was being paid an hourly wage. I was working for my good friend Dede Peters at the wonderful ddp gallery. It was a great experience in many ways and taught me a lot about myself. Interesting how getting out of my little home studio enclave can do that. Learning abounds outside. Anyway, lets just say I got a healthy dose of perspective and I hope I can hang on to it for a good long while. It may be more valuable than my wages earned this week.
First of all, sometimes I doubt myself. We all doubt ourselves, I know. But when people believe in us and trust us, it is such an honor. I had responsibility to more than just myself the past three days and I handled it and that makes me think I can handle a lot more than I give myself credit for. I know I sound like some shut-in or something, but I haven't been working "outside" for quite awhile and I wasn't sure if I still could. Anyway, I managed pretty well I think. It was a fun challenge and I took pride in my work and the hours I spent in the gallery. I used to think I had a character flaw when it came to work. I thought I was actually flawed somehow because I didn't work in the same way as everyone else. I have worked numerous odd jobs, even some hard labor, etc. you can check one of my early blogs for the list. I am a hard worker when I am out there. I don't want to waste any one's time, but at the same time I never feel at home in a job for long. I thought it was because I was simply lazy, like I said, a flaw, but now I know it is just a character trait, something within me. I like to live my life in an unpredictable manner, apparently as an artist and this scares me but it also comforts me.
Working these 3 days showed me how lucky I am to do what I do to pay my bills. I do admit sometimes I feel like a caged animal working alone in my studio, while the rest of world takes coffee breaks with co-workers.However, I felt like a caged animal behind the gallery desk as well, so I guess that is just how I feel and it is not a flaw, it is just within me. I might never find peace, but all this nervous energy needs a channel and luckily I have one. I want to dive into a painting and take a good long roll around within and I want to breathe it in and just know how lucky I am to have this world that I thought I had created only by default. I now know my being an artist is not only my birthright but also truly a choice and I want to burn this realization into my brain.
I care for painters (artists) and painting, I know what I like and what I don't. I know color and atmosphere. It isn't about the money; it is about me and my soul and how I feel while painting and how I feel while being a painter. I needed some perspective and I got it. Today, as you are reading this, know that I am in my studio cleaning it up on my time, listening to music and drinking my coffee and moving my hands over my things to take inventory. I will be painting new works for Fire and Noise and beyond and maybe someone will view them one day and dive within them and be taken away from their work-a-day world. If that happens, then I will have served my purpose.I will have honestly worked the way I was intended to work in this world...
PS. Some of you have already seen the progress on the Fire and Noise series and for others these will be new.In the next week I expect much more progress to be made and I will share the results.
I am inspired again and I ache to paint and that is all I ever really wanted.