True Confessions...

I was drawing a blank as to what to write about this week. Feeling under the gun I flipped through my composition book marked "brain storms" and this is what I found...

The following passage was created during a 15 minute free write purge on my "art." I was wrestling with myself as an artist and what it all means. I hope you will find it interesting, I admit it is self indulgent introspection, but it is real and it was how I felt at the time. I hope some of you will be able to relate. Here goes...

"A lot of the time I completely discredit my art. I think it is lazy, and I feel that I "whip" paintings out too fast at times. I don't use the "right" materials, and when I do, I don't use them the way they should be used. I don't have a sink in my studio, and I use foam brushes most of the time. My "studio" is just the attic of my house. I blot my paintings with paper because I don't have the patience to wait for my paintings to dry as I am in a hurry to get in and get out of my studio. Painting can seem like an obligation like everything else. Some days I am not sure I would even paint if people didn't expect it of me. It is just tube paint, water, oil, pencil, charcoal, shapes, textures. My art does not contain my secrets, or a political or social commentary. Sometimes there are no concepts, sometimes I feel I just know how to make "ART." I know the quality of an artist's line, I know what colors go together like a puzzle. Is that art or is that a design project? Do my paintings really have the feelings/meanings that people including myself ascribe to them? Am I just too close to see sometimes? What do they mean?

What if they just mean "lovely?" Would that be enough? I will always compare my work to other artists. I will always compare my prices to others, and I will always worry about sales. It used to be about creating something and now it is becoming more about money and acclaim and moving up. Will my work ever be in ART FORUM? A girl can dream...

While some love my work, I feel it really can't be anything that new or special if I am not toiling over it everyday.

But, when I work, I WORK- I produce an insane amount of work each year. What if it is okay that some of the paintings don't fight to be assembled, what if they are easy? What if I am just lucky, would that be so hard? What if I considered myself as lucky and accepted it, rather than thought less of myself and my work?

I used to paint only for me. I am intuitive, connected, and I am no fool, I know what people will respond to and I create that work. Why do I feel guilty for knowing "the code" so to speak? Why can't I see the glass half full?

I have always had an obsession with being "real" and convinced that I wasn't. That I was always acting for people, to be liked and approved of, to entertain and make other people happy and comfortable. Am I a "real" artist? Are my paintings "real" if they are just colors and knowing how to connect the dots, and then knowing how to "sell" them as art? I know I am a sales person- can I be a "real" artist and a sales person?

And why does everything have to be "real" anyway...?"

You made it through and lucky you! It is time for the third Friday paper painting give away!! This is a larger piece than usual, painted on a 9x12" sheet of 140 lb. Arches paper, and painted outdoors in the summer sun. The painting is pictured above so you know what you are commenting for this time around! Leave a comment, tell me to get over myself, whatever you see fit, here on the blog Friday-Tuesday (by next week at midnight), and you will entered to win the painting pictured in this post. I will announce the winner next Friday! I ship anywhere in the world! Previous winners are eligible, and if you want to comment but not be entered to win just say so. Good Luck! This painting is REAL!