I am not the artist I used to be

I am not the artist I used to be. 

I could be distressed by this (and I am a little) or I could be excited. 

The second one seems like the better option. 

I don't play the game as well as I used to and I always required a lot of help to play it at all. 

I have been beaten down and worn out by it and I got confused. 

I deviated from my original purpose.

I make art to express myself to myself and to understand the world and my place in it. 

I make art because I am good at it and it feels good to be good at something.

I make art because it gives me a purpose and helps me make sense of my brain.

I make art because I don't always understand the world or myself and it helps me to feel better. 

I make art to hide within and to stand strong beside. 

I make art because it is something I know how to do better than almost anything else. 

I don't always stick to a routine or a schedule and I judge myself for this but less and less.

I know my natural rhythm is a trickle or a deluge. 

I know I am rebellious against the routines I love the most. 

I know I can have a hard time with record keeping, documenting, archiving, and consistently sharing my work as well as presenting it for sale. Probably because I am a painter and could use more support in these areas - but I am done judging myself for this and I am proud of doing it as well as I have.

I don't love all art, some art really pisses me off and I wish it would go away. 

I have made 1000 choices in order to live the way I do, to protect my art, my brain, my being. Some of these were hard and some of my choices were not so good, or easily understood, but I am still here. 

I still need people to view, enjoy, and support my art - I don't want to work in a vacuum and community engagement is extremely important to me.

Financial support of my art is crucial. I'm not independently wealthy and I can live a pretty precarious existence that is at times stressful and scary. 

If you want to see me in my flow state, ask me to talk about art. When I don't have the chance to do this (and I haven't really in years) I feel like a part of myself is missing.

Art has given me so much in terms of community, love, support, joy, and excitement. I have sacrificed a lot for art in exchange. I wouldn't change it. 

I have cried over and regretted this calling.

I still wouldn't change it. I can't.

When art returns to me after being away there is no better feeling.

To be certain of my place in the lineage feels like coming home. 

I am not the artist I used to be.

So let's see what happens next...

Keep fighting. 

200 breadcrumbs to get to this place

A stack of my latest paintings on paper

March. It's been one hell of a month. I am feeling pretty worn out and grateful to have arrived at the weekend. I haven't been using words on the studio blog lately as I am using them elsewhere. 

This David Lynch meme found on the internet is relatable.
Just substitute painting for the word film. 

The sun brightens the room after a series of darker and stormy days. The light is lovely, though my phone tells me more rain is coming in a couple of hours. I am content to sit in the sun (however temporary) and listen to music as I type. 

I have painted over 200 pieces since the 29th of January. Of course, many are just process works - breadcrumbs on the path to somewhere else. Right now, it's all about returning to the energy and the regularity of the practice. This flurry of activity has been about getting reacquainted with why I paint and draw at all. It's about why I have painted and drawn my entire life. 

It's always a re-learning at first, or it feels that way. The return. What lines, what colours, what movements, what compositions, what materials, what moves me? What moves my hand, eye, brain, and heart? What lines are mine, and which lines are borrowed? Do I lean on a trick, a technique, a motif? And why do I lean on it? What does it say about me and how I want to feel? Is it a trick? All the questions swirl and dance while I work. The music is perfect. The music isn't right. Go back again and repeat the song that works - the song and the line meld and get stronger. Taking me away. 

Just this past week, the work is starting to trust me again. It's holding me for longer and is starting to talk and tell me where to go. I have had to paint these 200 breadcrumbs to get to this place. Painting is a relationship one must tend. 

Thank you for being here and for all the positive feedback I have received about these latest pieces of work. I appreciate it. I can't and don't want to create in a vacuum. The process and ritual are for me, but the work needs you too. 

Consider leaving me a wee tip for the paintings (48 over on Facebook) I have shared for free this month. Thank you for supporting my work. 

Special thanks to my monthly supporters: Jennifer Libby Fay, Tamsin Haggis, Jennifer Douglas Arbuckle, and the late Pat Bremner. 

You don't know us

she stopped breathing in the floating world
21x15cm
mixed media on canvas
2023 Megan Chapman

where tears freeze before they fall
21x15cm
mixed media on canvas
2023 Megan Chapman

holding everything dear

15x21cm
mixed media on canvas
2023 Megan Chapman

in silence the message

21x15cm
mixed media on canvas
2023 Megan Chapman

rest before the fall
21x15cm
mixed media on canvas
2023 Megan Chapman

     only to start again

21x15cm
mixed media on canvas
2023 Megan Chapman

A thousand decisions and conversations had with ourselves

Art has the power to rewire our brains. A thousand choices build up the layers of a painting, a thousand decisions and conversations had with ourselves and our materials.

In my normal day to day life, I sometimes obsess over making the wrong choice, ordering the wrong meal, buying the wrong sweater, saying the wrong thing, or choosing the wrong what, when, where, why, and how. I think I will be disappointed in my choice or someone will be disappointed in me for my choice.

However, somehow with my art, I don't worry as much. I know what I am choosing and why. The materials and I dance, we have this little back and forth, we compromise and the painting always sets us straight in the end. I love this. I love this knowing, this understanding, this trust and relationship I have with the process. I still have doubts and I still get it wrong but I mostly know the rules and the plan when it comes to painting. I know what I want and how to get it from my painting and that is a freedom rarely felt elsewhere or with much regularity in my life.

I have now danced across decades with these materials, paintings, and choices. My brain is better for it and my soul certainly is. My experience allows for all of this, the time spent with little paintings, big paintings, talking about paintings, writing about paintings, looking at paintings, as well as promoting mine and other's art. I keep showing up at this crazy calling that is at the heart of who I am. It's what I just seem to know, like a secret language built from years of exposure, training, learning, sharing, seeing, but mostly feeling and daring.

I wouldn't recommend this profession to many people because it is not stable or responsible and it requires help and support from multiple sources but damn, if you can stomach it, if you are lucky enough to find that support; patronage, family, friends, partners, and spouses that somewhat understand, then do it, and dive into the language, and never look back.

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