Into the white...

Reflection in Studio Lights
(things to do while not painting)

I was all charged up and inspired as I wrote last week after getting out of town and seeing The Pixies. The Autumn also energizes me, I love the atmosphere of leaves blowing across the street, big moons, dark skies, and cooler temperatures. It hasn't quite reached that point here yet, still I know it is coming and that too is inspiring.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I didn't do as much painting as I hoped this week, but after what felt like a long streak of not painting, I did manage to work on another large 36x48" canvas. I have been working on this piece for the last 5 weeks albeit sporadically and without much direction. Yesterday, I was in the studio early and I was determined to whip the canvas into shape and into something. I had my music and my headphones on, and I tried purposely not to talk to my studio mates too much before I began working as I know that really throws me off my game and distracts me.

I closed the studio door behind me and turned up my music. I started painting, suddenly I felt that clear headed, focused feeling I hadn't felt in a while. I was thinking about my materials, how good they felt in my hands, and how connected I feel to my methods for using them. Things were clicking and I was relieved. I made some marks that I loved on the big painting, and I did my jump up and down dance and some tears managed to well up in my eyes. I thought again about the idea that any time I am not painting I am actually punishing myself (this is an idea I think I have mentioned here before). When I don't work, it feels like "rest" but it is really torture.

As I worked I also kept thinking "there is no room for fear in art" that saying just kept going around and around in my head, so much so that I finally wrote it on my studio wall, so I could let it go. I think that was part of the problem keeping me from really painting these past few weeks, besides the distractions in my life, there was a lot of fear. I had just painted two paintings that I was extremely happy with and that sold before they were even exhibited. It is hard to follow that up! I was holding back so as not to disappoint myself. So, I had to let go of that. Did I complete the painting I worked on yesterday? Oh no, not by a long shot, and I am not even happy with it in the least, but all these layers have to be built up first before the real painting can emerge. If I let this fear of disappointment or failure get in the way then this painting will never be born.

I focused and I painted, I cursed and I smiled, I jumped up and down again, I sang, I took breaks, I was frustrated beyond belief. I also remembered this is the dance of all my good paintings. These things take time, and I do believe it is on my side.

In other news, I started reading a book I like, I've been taking more walks, I have talked to some family and some friends, I have gone to sleep when I felt like it and have generally taken better care of myself than I have in a long while. I am still refueling, and perhaps by next week I will have something new to show you.

Did you know I am having a solo exhibition in November in The Hive Gallery at the Fayetteville Underground? Well, I am. So, soon this blog may turn into a chronicle of the process of getting prepared for that. First things first, I need a title for my show, a press release and to decide which image best represents the new white series. Then there will be the updating of my website, business cards and postcards to design and have made as well. Perhaps even a poster... So much to do!

Thanks for popping in, and as always keep fighting. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the world needs your art.

Detail of the tricky monster on my easel. Just a tiny section, and if you click on it will take you to some music music music! See you next week. Same Bat-channel!