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| Revisiting a group of large paintings that I started in January. There are five of them, the beginnings of a series I left abandoned for the past 3 months. I am drawn to this one and think I will use it as the anchor for the series. |
I am collecting information. I am researching and gathering raw materials in the form of cultural excavation. I am in the building phase, or really the rebuilding phase.
I am re-learning. I am reading, I am listening and I am watching.
I am reframing and looking back to move forward. Taking strength and power from those who have come before and finding support through their words and creations.
More on that later.
In the studio on Tuesday, I talked about a few milestones. My Tuesday Studio Video Visit turned two last month! This blog turned twelve and my "Books" series will be twenty at the end of this month. If you don't follow my art page on Facebook you can catch it again here. I am in the process of transferring my Tuesday Studio Video Visits to YouTube so that more people can access them and for a future project I have planned.
I am purposely filling my head with the ideas and cultural offerings of women. My head has already been filled by the ideas and work of men by default. I know what you are thinking, don't make me say some of my best friends are men...(they are). Of course, my head has been filled with many amazing offerings created by men and will continue to be, but at the same time, many of these offerings don't always reflect me and my life and nor perhaps should they. Their gaze is searching from and creating through a system that has been made for them. Hand built by them, for them, and how wonderful and empowering that must be, but perhaps also crippling at times. See how I have to keep softening everything I write as to not offend. I am so tired of doing that but I feel I must keep doing it to stay safe in this hand-built world, not of my design.
In art school, I was praised for painting like a man. I proudly took the "compliment" as I understood that it meant my work was strong, bold and good and not weak or easy. Sorry, sisters. I was deeply assimilated into the patriarchy to get along without even knowing.
As a teen, I liked to think I was "one of the guys" (not like the "other" girls). I could drink and smoke with the boys, sometimes teetering on the edge of dangerous explorations. I could curse a blue streak and smash it up with the rest of them. I would be upfront in the crush of the pit at gigs or right in front of the speakers (cause I thought I was tough and could take it), I would listen to the music you liked and I'd like it too (of course). When I saw Black Flag at the age of 14, I purposely picked out the Pettibon designed T-shirt that said "I've been good too long" and proudly wore it to Jr. High the next day. I never felt like I was a "good" girl/woman. In my youth, I was boy crazy as I looked to them for approval, adoration, and information. I wanted what they had; that strength, charisma, power, and mostly that freedom. What appeared on the surface, as a lack of fear.
I went through periods of my life where I messed up my female friendships to run after or just run with the boys. Or I just didn't give the girls and women in my life enough time or attention. Again, sorry sisters. Thankfully, as I grew up, I came to my senses and have many long-lasting, wonderful and true friendships with women all over the world. These women have been my teachers, mentors, confidants and fellow hell-raisers. These women have strength, charisma, power, and freedom too. Many of them had to learn to live with and triumph over their fears and rise above every day in this world that wasn't built for or by them. These women are revolutionaries, my heroines, and luckily my cohorts.
What does all of this have to do with my work? Every fucking thing.
We can't be what we can't see. Right now I am seeing women being brutally raw and honest. I am seeing women create masterpieces of art and literature, I am seeing the female gaze in the films they make, the roles they take and the songs they sing. I see the truth of my being reflected back. What the hell is a "good" woman anyway and why would I ever want to be one?
Until next week, keep fighting.
As a motorcycle owner in a previous life - like you - I know what it's like to be a round peg in a square hole and be judged accordingly LMAO.
ReplyDeleteSadly, the amount of bitchery from other women far outweighs the feckwittery of random blokes in my own experience. I know a lot of good people - that's it - largely because I can't be around arseholes of whatever gender. 'We can't be what we can't see' is SO on the money.