Friday, December 12, 2008

An end has a start.

These past three days were unusual for me. I gratefully had a job, and I was being paid an hourly wage. I was working for my good friend Dede Peters at the wonderful ddp gallery. It was a great experience in many ways and taught me a lot about myself. Interesting how getting out of my little home studio enclave can do that. Learning abounds outside. Anyway, lets just say I got a healthy dose of perspective and I hope I can hang on to it for a good long while. It may be more valuable than my wages earned this week.

First of all, sometimes I doubt myself. We all doubt ourselves, I know. But when people believe in us and trust us, it is such an honor. I had responsibility to more than just myself the past three days and I handled it and that makes me think I can handle a lot more than I give myself credit for. I know I sound like some shut-in or something, but I haven't been working "outside" for quite awhile and I wasn't sure if I still could. Anyway, I managed pretty well I think. It was a fun challenge and I took pride in my work and the hours I spent in the gallery. I used to think I had a character flaw when it came to work. I thought I was actually flawed somehow because I didn't work in the same way as everyone else. I have worked numerous odd jobs, even some hard labor, etc. you can check one of my early blogs for the list. I am a hard worker when I am out there. I don't want to waste any one's time, but at the same time I never feel at home in a job for long. I thought it was because I was simply lazy, like I said, a flaw, but now I know it is just a character trait, something within me. I like to live my life in an unpredictable manner, apparently as an artist and this scares me but it also comforts me.

Working these 3 days showed me how lucky I am to do what I do to pay my bills. I do admit sometimes I feel like a caged animal working alone in my studio, while the rest of world takes coffee breaks with co-workers.However, I felt like a caged animal behind the gallery desk as well, so I guess that is just how I feel and it is not a flaw, it is just within me. I might never find peace, but all this nervous energy needs a channel and luckily I have one. I want to dive into a painting and take a good long roll around within and I want to breathe it in and just know how lucky I am to have this world that I thought I had created only by default. I now know my being an artist is not only my birthright but also truly a choice and I want to burn this realization into my brain.

I care for painters (artists) and painting, I know what I like and what I don't. I know color and atmosphere. It isn't about the money; it is about me and my soul and how I feel while painting and how I feel while being a painter. I needed some perspective and I got it. Today, as you are reading this, know that I am in my studio cleaning it up on my time, listening to music and drinking my coffee and moving my hands over my things to take inventory. I will be painting new works for Fire and Noise and beyond and maybe someone will view them one day and dive within them and be taken away from their work-a-day world. If that happens, then I will have served my purpose.I will have honestly worked the way I was intended to work in this world...

PS. Some of you have already seen the progress on the Fire and Noise series and for others these will be new.In the next week I expect much more progress to be made and I will share the results.

I am inspired again and I ache to paint and that is all I ever really wanted.


  1. Thank you for the opportunity to see some of your new Fire and Noise paintings. The last two (#6 & 7) particularly stir my passions but also the first one i love too.

  2. I love the new work - it is all very different and exciting.

    You will always be you - whether at the gallery or at home (in Fayetteville or Kansas City, for that matter) and whether you are an artist, a hairdresser, a dishwasher or a pro-wrestler. It is a fact impossible to escape. Fortunately, you are wonderful so it is more a matter of appreciating who you are than of becoming someone else.

    No, it isn't even cocktail hour yet and I am already blathering. La de da. TGIF and thanks for your Friday thoughts.


  3. Kev- thanks for stopping by and letting me know which paintings you are responding to the strongest. Always interesting..

    Ashley(sky candy)-I think I want to try a stint as a pro wrestler, now that you mention it.. Have a cocktail. Thanks for the compliments glad you are excited by the new work, and yes I will always be me.. no escaping..perhaps I should have a cocktail.

  4. wow first off 1 and 2 knocked my wig back nice fucking work megan excuse my french they are very internal n raw the paper paintings look really cool to

    gas is back to $183 a gallon

    i am repeating myself but your honesty is .......... wow

    hope to see you and your work in person someday till next week

  5. Mary- Thank you for finding my blog, I just checked out yours as well. Great collage work. Thanks for the compliment!
    Tim- THANK YOU for your "French" reaction.. I loved that. The first two are the last ones I painted and yes they are more internal and raw.
    The paper paintings are just a whole different series(but I am glad you like them as well). One day I hope we can see each other's work in person.

  6. Megan, You did a great job this past week. I had full confidence that nothing would go wrong. When things get rolling, you may want to consider a part-time job at ddp....

    Funny, that I could paint - but have the gallery AND that you could have a gallery, but paint. Opposite sides of the coin, we are.

    Fire and noise is looking brilliant. Really.

  7. Wow! There's nothing like standing somewhere with different view to remind you of who you are.
    This new chapter is an important journey - not just Fire and Noise, but everything that has happened in the last few months since EOTD.
    Life is a GREAT teacher!
    What I also sense is that you are hugely appreciated for being who you are...awesome :)

  8. Dede- thanks again for your confidence and trust. And a huge thanks for having the guts to even have the gallery, I know it is a labor of love not unlike painting. Having been in your shoes for a few days makes me appreciate what gallery owners do even more. What a great space/world you have created.

    Debs- yes, life is a good teacher when you are willing to tune in for the lesson. I am lucky to have such great friends near and far. I hope they know they are greatly appreciated for being exactly who they are as well, and allowing me to be me.

  9. Hi Megan,

    Sounds great. Thanks for your honesty here, and always. I particularly enjoyed your recent post about freedom---and don't thank I properly expressed my gratitude.
    Much love!!
    Oh, and tell Hank to respond so I am sure he knows he's staying with me starting Sunday!

  10. Matt-Glad you enjoyed the honesty.
    Did I post recently about "freedom" !?! My mind draws a blank on that one.. I will have to search the archives. Glad you enjoyed it. :)

  11. Pretty paintings. I love the bright colors. Pretty art work. Great job.
    I are hard worker and I appreciate you doing what you enjoy doing. Keep up the great work.

  12. Dude, work is work. Maybe some days are good (not as much of that caged feeling) and other days aren't. I used to think my life would be so much "easier" if I didn't have to work like some of my stay-at-home-mom friends, but I have learned that we all deal with the same up and down days, within the same 24-hour days.

    Count your blessings. I try to. Extra cash, some health insurance and retirement benefits, and fodder for my art, in the form of inspiration, experience.. and maybe the caged feeling is the tension of absence that creates an even stronger desire. :)

    I love how your posts make me think about stuff. I'm going to make my annual handmade arty Christmas cards now!

  13. Thank you Josh- I appreciate your comments.

    Stephanie- thanks for your comments too "work is work" Glad my posts make you think about stuff..hope you enjoyed making your Christmas cards. Next week's post will probably be a year end wrap up and taking stock of the good...similar to last year.