All my rituals

Cover of the Cult Deprogramming manual, 1998-1999
 " ...day to day. Each of us should be willing to flow along with the tide and not set up resistance against anything that comes. This is necessary so that growth and redemption can occur."

Where are my rituals? Where is my mind? And what is okay to reflect on when the world is going to hell and everyone is stressed. It all seems so gross. 

Where are the things that I know to do after 53 years on the planet that uniquely ground, calm, inspire and excite me? Not people like me or similar to me, or that share a set of characteristics to me, and especially not the fucking data set and me. 

ME. I remember from my childhood that Mr. Rogers on PBS would tell me that there was no one else like ME. That each human was unique and special, one of a kind. I liked this idea. There was only one me and only one you. Yet, somehow we could create a kind community and work together.

But then we got other messaging as we were growing up, don't let that uniqueness go to your head, don't feel too special. Who do you think you are? Don't be weird. Don't stick out. Be more like them. Wear this, buy that. Eat this, not that. Say this, and for god sake don't say that. 

Like most, I got swept up in it for periods of time, but I could never maintain the facade. I would rebel against this behaviour and then be an exaggerated version of my "true" self. Back and forth it went until I had no idea who I was.

Over the years, I have been perceived as a rebel, a punk, a writer, an actor, an artist. Politically engaged, and a highly sensitive person. Intense, Self absorbed, Sarcastic, A live wire, Emotional, Anxious, and way too much. 

However, I am also perceived as overly responsible, conscientious to a fault, rule abiding (if they make sense), mature for my age and an old soul (as a child) - and yet also naive, gullible, and a people pleaser. Extremely loyal, tenacious, and dedicated. I am an outwardly hard worker (and working even harder behind the scenes). 

If you didn't know this about me, the algorithm does; and feeds me content that maintains my interest and exploits my weakness. 

Let the record state - that while being many of these perceptions and more, I have also been a consistently funny human. I am not sure if the bastards have figured that out yet. 

Inside the manual

The idea was that the imagined cult member would look at the book and the images would reset their memories and they would be restored to the person their family remembered from before the cult. This was when assuming characters and scenarios were an important part of my work.

Now back to me (and you) and the fucking data set. In 1998-99 I made a piece called "the cult deprogramming manual" at the University of Oregon as part of my BFA terminal exhibition and right now I feel I could benefit from gazing into its pages. I think a lot of us could. You can read a bit more about the manual and some of my other earlier work at the U of O in this old blog post from 2008.

I am so tired of being fed information that the algorithm knows I will like or respond to. I am tired of being sold to and manipulated and I am tired of being mined for data. We all are. I am tired of wondering if an app could help me feel better. I am pretty media savvy and I remember existing long before the internet - but the bastards got me anyway - you can't will power your way out of something so expertly designed and crafted to influence and addict. 

Obviously over the years the internet has been weaponised against us and our poor brains. We have unwittingly found ourselves in a cult. And now I know it's more important than ever to spend time in my studio and turn my back on so much bullshit. 

How are you taking back control or managing your exposure to all of this relentless messaging? How are you still staying engaged with your community (online and offline) while setting limits? How are you staying aware of the problems of the world and taking action without it feeling performative and hollow or without becoming overwhelmed? Have you read or listened to a book on the subject that has impacted you and made a difference in how you are navigating all of this? I'd love to hear about it. 

Until next week, I will be over here clawing back my rituals. 

And remember, that there truly is no one like you and I like you just as you are. Keep Fighting! X.