Come in and shut the door. You might want to take your shoes off. Splash some cold water on your face from the basin, and look out at the street from the window. Smell the air and hear the sounds. Try out the chairs, they may not look comfortable, but they are. Try out the bed, it feels firm and solid, so nice to recline and look at the art on the walls. While you are there just look up at the ceiling, you may start to feel yourself letting go. You have everything you need here, perhaps there is a good book in the drawer or even hidden under the pillow. You may find some paper, and decide to write a letter. In this calm and simple room, ideas start to form in your mind quickly. Excited by this you may get up and pace the floor, feel it underneath you, it gives a little and crackles under your feet. Just a few minutes in this room and you feel restored for the time being. Have a glass of water, put your shoes back on and it is time to leave. This perfect room is always waiting for you.
I carry this refuge within me. Does your mind take you to a particular painting when you need to get away?
Freedom is available to you if you want it. If you will allow it in. Freedom is so revered and yet so feared. Most of the obstacles I put in my life are of my own creation. Most of the limits I put on my art are as well. Realizing this is a huge step and at the same time it seems so obvious.
I know I am free to make and do any type of art I want and that you the viewers, the readers, the gallery owners and the patrons will go along for the ride. The work will either be appreciated or it won't- and that is all there is to it.But now what to do? Sometimes all this freedom seems too much.
Right now everything feels like a riddle as I paint the works for my show "Fire and Noise." The original goal was to create art with more "me" in it or more meaning that was personal to me. People have encouraged me to express what is within, but they also offer conflicting advice to try it this way or think of it that way, use these colors but not these, remember this and explore that and don't rely on this familiar device but do make it easy on yourself, let go but perhaps just not like that.I know they are trying to help me reach deeper within and offer guidance as well as new ways of thinking about the problem.
They sense that I am frustrated and searching or that I am holding something back, and they are not wrong. One of my favorite Interpol songs, has the line "I have seven faces, thought I knew which one to wear..." and this has always resonated with me. When I am painting I tend to try too hard to maintain just one of the seven faces and I box myself into a corner. With the knowledge of true freedom comes the ability to put on the other six faces. I worry that if left to my own devices my work could become inconsistent or groundless and this is uncomfortable to me. I then start listening to all the voices around me and become overwhelmed.
Just as things seem to work on a Monday, they can also fade away by Thursday and I am back at square one. What am I after? I sometimes feel like an actor asking "now, what's my motivation?"
As I was working yesterday, trying to express something (something = the true problem, it seems my signal got jammed this week, it started off questionable and bleak, then moved into useful and familiar and then got so filtered and watered down that somewhere I lost it), I found myself attacking the surface with pencil and scrubbing pad, marks and words.The surface was absent of color, and it was so many things I wasn't, so unsatisfactory. The end result was like a piece of forgotten homework left in a mud puddle. Tomorrow I will go back to retrieve it, and I will attempt to return to the pure state I used to know, where color meets color and perhaps nothing more.
I will step once again into the fire and noise, and attempt to deflect all one thousand arrows...
My studio has been a bit frenetic this past week, blotter papers filling the floor, brushes full of paint strewn about, water, oil, tubs of paint,powdered graphite, music music music, and a lot of looking, questioning and running up and down the studio stairs. I ordered my supplies like I told you I would, and in record time the Fed Ex man was blocking my door with large cardboard boxes, oh so exciting!
I have been exploring the Claybords in more detail, just messing around, and I don't mess around. This is different, if you read this blog regularly you know I don't sketch, doodle, or visually plan out my art. I may map out my strategy of attack but never the art itself and usually once a painting is started I plan on showing it. I don't have a lot of work around that I wouldn't feel comfortable showing in a gallery. Yes, I fall out of love with some pieces and some are stronger than others, but what I create usually leaves the studio. However, these panels are so foreign to me that I am really having to slow down and get to the know them.There is a lot of mediocre painting and more important learning going on currently. I get satisfactory results and then I take a steel scrubber and scrub it all away, and start again. I feel I still have plenty of time to get to know the material before I create anything permanent.
I love it. I love painting and tearing it apart, I love being able to take my time and revise. It is a long process getting to know a new material. Sort of a strange conversation, "Hello, oh you don't like that, but you kinda like this, but I don't like this... and so it goes." However, I have a fever to actualize this work. My paintings are not usually about struggle nor are they ever fevered. Yet in the past I wished they were- like the work of those mad passionate artists working in their studios as portrayed in Hollywood films. So, this new material is giving me that for now, but I suspect only for a little while, and then I will be able to manipulate and cajole it into something that fits the fire and noise concept. I don't usually have concepts either, so all the rules have changed. All of them! I am without footing and this is great too. Who knows if this will work, who knows if this will sell, who knows if they are staying true to the original idea. Again this is very exciting and freeing to think about for me.
So, today as I write this, there is a sloppy painting on the table waiting to be finished; more likely waiting to be found. There are two new paintings sitting propped up against the wall, that dare I say, rock!?! Another on the wall that is a maybe and another one already hanging in my living room because it too, is a keeper. Fire and Noise is spreading, not only through my paintings, studio, and house but through my life as well.
I just ordered all my old paintings to face the wall. I don't want them looking at me right now as they whisper, "Hey old friend remember me?" My reply, "Nope, sorry- not right now, I will again soon but just not now..."
First things first: I must say that the sun seems more beautiful when it shines, the wind blows me kisses, blankets feel softer and warmer, and my mind seems to be coming out of a dark dingy hibernation, things seem truly possible once again.
We elected Barack Obama as our next president and I am so proud of America! That is a new feeling for me. We have a long road ahead to repair the damage of the last eight years, but I think we actually have a shot. I don't talk politics on my blog but I had to make note of one of the most amazing experiences of my lifetime.
Back to art now- thank you again for all the support and comments about last week's post "Fire and Noise." I really appreciated hearing your excitement about my upcoming show and the concepts I hope to express. We will see where it goes, but I do feel like it is possible. I feel that change is in the air all around. I can afford to be a little bolder in my art and in my life and it seems you all are itching to go along for the ride!
I have completed two paintings for Fire and Noise this past week, and I am very pleased and excited by the results! I think new materials are going to be equally as important as the concepts I express. My friend/artist and gallery owner Dede Peters, did something above and beyond last week and had a Claybord shipped to my house as a surprise- she wanted to shake me up and see what I would do with a new material in a new size.
Hm.. what happened?? Well, I fell in love with the material right away, all my old tricks didn't work anymore, they acted new and strange- which was so thrilling! So, I have decided I will be ordering some more claybords for myself to supplement canvas pieces that will also be in the exhibition. I will also be experimenting with powered charcoal and graphite as well. I am placing my order right after I finish this post!
I haven't offered much advice here lately, but one thing I will say; if you are feeling stuck in a rut and not sure- then try something new! Splurge on a new material or a new size that you never work with. I have been exploring that idea to some degree while painting on paper for my Etsy shop and the rough wood scrap panels right after my show. Something about a new, fancy material makes you stand a little straighter in reverence, as well as scratch your head and wonder about the possibilities. I am thankful that I had a friend that saw this need in me and stepped in with a claybord intervention. If money is tight, trade a supply with another artist, trade a technique, get out of your creative cul-de-sac and try something new.
On another note, thanks again to everyone who purchased my small works on paper the month of October from my Etsy shop. I was able to donate $245 to Will Boyd's health care fund, from my sales and from the donations of other artists who sold their work to benefit his cause. I really appreciate how inspiration and compassion can grow, expand and shoot around the country and the world to help someone in need.
Next week more Fire and Noise...
pictured above 4 by Sea mixed media on paper 12x9" only at Artmaven on Etsy $40.00
Please visit my website and learn more about the galleries that represent my larger canvas paintings as well. www.meganchapman.com
"I found her on a night of fire and noise Wild bells rang in a wild sky I knew from that moment on That I'd love her till the day that I died And I kissed away a thousand tears My lady of the Various Sorrows Some begged, some borrowed, some stolen Some kept safe tomorrow..."
Opening lyric from Do you Love Me by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
I am happy to report I have a featured exhibition coming up in February at the River Market ArtSpace in Little Rock, Arkansas. Now is the time to solidify my ideas and concepts, make my plans and get started. I am relieved to have this new focus. I have been drifting a bit since the last show in June and July and taking some serious down time. I have painted many small works on paper for my Etsy shop and managed about 12!?! canvas paintings since then as well, but just sort of floating through, un-moored.
I decided I would call my next exhibition "Fire and Noise" inspired by the above song. I am a new Nick Cave fan, always knowing his name but never listening to his music, well that has changed. This song has been on constant repeat in my ears for about 2 weeks, and I have watched the song's video (another inspiration) hundreds of times by now. Something about it just speaks to me currently.
When I am germinating ideas for new work, I feel the need to talk it out, test it out and share it with others and that is what I have done for the past week; sharing my thoughts with my community of artist friends near and far. The concepts become more clear when I write them to someone else rather than keeping them solely in my head. I want to compile some of this early correspondence here to remind me of what I want in this new body of work as I move forward in the process.
I recently wrote to a friend about my art career and he asked me the following questions. I think they are important and I want to remember them. "...Why you paint like you do?Why you don't paint like you could?Why you're lost?"
My answers follow. I have a show in Feb. and I want to do all new work, perhaps work that won't even sell.( why I don't paint like I could). I need money and I want galleries to be happy with me- If I paint like I could the paintings might not be as "lovely"(why I paint like I do). I am lost because I am conflicted about marketable work/money vs. art/passion/purpose.
Rest assured I am oversimplifying things in my response to his questions. I do not feel like I am just churning out art that looks good over someones couch simply to make money. I paint with the colors I do because I love those colors. I paint the way I do because it is the way I know to paint and it fits my brain most of the time. I do feel pressure (mostly self imposed) to paint things that have the ability to sell (we all have bills to pay), and perhaps are not the most challenging ie: nothing that new or revolutionary in the grand scheme of the art world. However, I don't really want to create "high art." A lot of what I see in famous art magazines is bizarre self indulgent pretentious shit (there I said it). I don't want to produce that, but I do want to put more of ME into my work, whatever that means. If I don't feel "lovely" perhaps the paintings don't have to be jewel toned, perhaps they can resonate a darkness or coal-like quality if that is how I really feel. (I told you in the title this was a note to myself) Anyway, I digress, back to my conversation with my friend about inspiration for the upcoming show.
I am serious about what I said about the Nick Cave song. I need something to fuel my fire and when I look at that video I would like to dive into that seedy world of fire and noise. But will it sell, who knows... and am I capable of making paintings full of noise and interference???
This is the thing, I doubt my ability to change, I know how to paint the way I paint, it is very intuitive at this point in the game and I don't want to reinvent the wheel. I don't want to begin again, I just want to be more free, and find a way to put more of me into the work, and as an abstract painter, I find that difficult. Certain colors could represent emotions, certain lines can mean things to me, but in the end, how different can it be? My hand does what it does. In a different conversation with another I artist I talk again about what I am hoping to capture.
I want to take all the doubts, the highs and lows, the passion and drama and try to put them in this show. I am going to try to create Art and perhaps art that won't even sell, and try to be okay with that. We will see. I am tired of painting " lovely" paintings. I want a little more substance, something to ruffle my own feathers if you will. I need to get excited about a concept again.I want to go into something a little darker. If you look up the video for the song( Nick Cave's Do You Love Me?) those are the colors I am aiming for. I am not sure I can really pull this off, I may change in mid swing.. interference will feature prominently.. Buzz, hum, the shit that gets in the way.. electronic prattle of emails, and e-dreams, friends that are friends but not, borders and boundaries.
Sounds like an interesting concept, but again with only color and line, how is the prattle of email portrayed, how is the increasing bombardment of electronic noise captured in an abstract painting? This will be my challenge.I seem stuck in this idea that my work is simply lovely and has no substance as it is, and I don't think this is exactly true. I guess I do give into the pressure that "Art" should not be pretty or decorative but mean something. I am not sure if I can put meaning to the abstractions I create, even within this newly proposed conceptual framework.
Another conversation, again trying to put into words what I want to accomplish... The ups and downs, the messes that I make, the mix of identities and self imposed pressures, the lines and darkness- I want all of these things to factor into my new work. Perhaps, if the Evidence of the Disappearance was the rise, this show will be the fall- which may actually be free of all the nonsense and soar to new heights?!? Like dirty electricity, a certain truth, static, interference, not pretty- not perfect- Can I ? Do I dare?
Who knows? But I must try...
Today is the last day to purchase work from my Etsy shop and have 20% donated to my friend Will's health care fund. I appreciate all the purchases so far. Also if you put "blogger" in the memo to seller when you place your order I will gladly refund your shipping via paypal after your order is placed.Free shipping to anywhere in the world! So if you have been thinking about it, today is the day to act! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Also if you haven't already, please do not forget to Vote November 4th- this one is too important to miss- thank you.
Pretty soon now, I will be bitter.
Pretty soon now, Will be a quitter.
Pretty soon now, I will be bitter.
You can't see it 'til it's finished
I don't have to prove...that I am creative!
I don't have to prove...that I am creative!
All my pictures are confused
And now I'm going to take me to you.
Please visit www.meganchapman.com to learn more about
my works on canvas and the galleries that represent me.
Visit www.artmaven.etsy.com for my affordable small works
on paper, and remember that 20% of my Etsy sales during
the month of October will be donated to Will Boyd's health
care fund. Thank you.
Wikipedia defines a tortured artist as "a stock character and stereotype who is in constant ferment due to frustrations with art and other people. The tortured artist feels alienated and misunderstood due to what they perceive as the ignorance or neglect of others who do not understand them, and the things they feel are important. They sometimes smoke, experience sexual frustration and appear overwhelmed by their own emotions and inner conflicts. The tortured artist is often mocked in popular culture for being attention seeking, narcissistic and unable or unwilling to make plans or just averse to happiness and fun. Often demonstrating self-destructive behaviors."
The wiki definition seems a bit humorous but perhaps it is actually accurate. So many of the artists that I know feel misunderstood; they are always comparing themselves to others, always wanting more attention and adoration and when they do not get these things to their satisfaction they rebel or shut down. Being an artist is such a weird job. It is so easy to give up and simmer in our own brooding stew of dissatisfaction.
What if I told you I think it is okay that you are "tortured?" What if it is okay to be a "starving artist?" So many books for artists these days make it seem like you should balk at these old antiquated ideas. They say today's artist can have your cake and eat it too. They say the starving artist is an old out-dated myth or paradigm. They say there is no room for "tortured" because you are too busy living the dream.
While this can be very encouraging, I also think it can put unrealistic pressure and expectations on one's self and art career.
Being an artist is a hard job. It is a job that does not always pay well and is erratic and unpredictable. Being an artist can be a very insular position, full of judgment and qualifiers for yourself and the work you produce. Over time I have decided that being an artist is not a choice. I think you are birthed into this position and hopefully learn to rectify and embrace it over a life time.
It is not all bad of course, but some days being an artist can seem like a form a torture. I know you come here for inspiration and hope, but I also think it my responsibility to be honest. This position has plenty of hardships and one can find themselves riddled with self doubt.
However, I am forever and always will be an artist. I will question, I will doubt and I will envy, but I will also feel great pride in the work I produce and I will always help other artists find this path, and attempt to make it as comfortable as I can for myself and those that follow. This position, this career, has many thankless tasks, and we will be at times misunderstood by ourselves and others.We will also feel unparalleled heights and be a part of unprecedented beauty and awe, that we can manufacture all on our own. I feel that is why we put up with the occasional torture, because the heights that we achieve can not be matched. The mythologies that we create are sacred and unique.
So, if you are feeling tortured, frustrated and misunderstood, don't feel the need to put a happy face on it right away and please know you are not alone. Keep fighting, keep trying, and give yourself a break. The lows can be dark, cold, and lonely but the highs are pure light and love and all of your own creation.
This post is dedicated to all the artists struggling on this path and questioning this way of living.There is something that you felt once, that was strong enough to sustain you and keep you here. Hold on to that and keep fighting and you will find your way back eventually. This will never be an easy path but it is worth it. Onwards and Upwards...
Come in and shut the door.
