The Now and the Memories

One. I'll be pink and you will be too. We will spread out over oceans. We will spread across time. We will isolate together, alone. At first, our boundaries will be defined. People all around us, keeping us warm like insulation. You stay in your group and I will stay in mine. Be safe.

Two. People are rushing all around, there has been a breach. There are other pinks but not exactly like me, and certainly not like you. There is a mad crush, they want to rub shoulders, they want to talk loud, spit flies in the air. I am caught against them, held captive but the walls soothe you. 

Three. We are lost in the sea of bodies, my light is dimming. Less pink all the time. I can't see. 

The memories: Fresh like spring and we are gone. 

Five new works on paper created in August 2020. These works were inspired by life, real and imagined, and the words, 'the loss of physical touch is distancing my soul' written by my friend Rosa Macpherson. 

These are the first finished abstract works I have created since May 19th. 

These mixed media pieces are on 200gsm heavyweight acid-free A3 sized cartridge paper and are available for purchase in my Ko-fi shop.

One thousand arrows point to the uninitiated

Freedom is available to you if you want it. If you will allow it in. Freedom is so revered and yet so feared. Most of the obstacles I put in my life are of my own creation. Most of the limits I put on my art are as well. Realizing this is a huge step and at the same time it seems so obvious.

I know I am free to make and do any type of art I want and that you the viewers, the readers, the gallery owners and the patrons will go along for the ride. The work will either be appreciated or it won't- and that is all there is to it.But now what to do? Sometimes all this freedom seems too much.

Right now everything feels like a riddle as I paint the works for my show "Fire and Noise." The original goal was to create art with more "me" in it or more meaning that was personal to me. People have encouraged me to express what is within, but they also offer conflicting advice to try it this way or think of it that way, use these colors but not these, remember this and explore that and don't rely on this familiar device but do make it easy on yourself, let go but perhaps just not like that.I know they are trying to help me reach deeper within and offer guidance as well as new ways of thinking about the problem.

They sense that I am frustrated and searching or that I am holding something back, and they are not wrong. One of my favorite Interpol songs, has the line "I have seven faces, thought I knew which one to wear..." and this has always resonated with me. When I am painting I tend to try too hard to maintain just one of the seven faces and I box myself into a corner. With the knowledge of true freedom comes the ability to put on the other six faces. I worry that if left to my own devices my work could become inconsistent or groundless and this is uncomfortable to me. I then start listening to all the voices around me and become overwhelmed.

Just as things seem to work on a Monday, they can also fade away by Thursday and I am back at square one. What am I after? I sometimes feel like an actor asking "now, what's my motivation?"

As I was working yesterday, trying to express something (something = the true problem, it seems my signal got jammed this week, it started off questionable and bleak, then moved into useful and familiar and then got so filtered and watered down that somewhere I lost it), I found myself attacking the surface with pencil and scrubbing pad, marks and words.The surface was absent of color, and it was so many things I wasn't, so unsatisfactory. The end result was like a piece of forgotten homework left in a mud puddle. Tomorrow I will go back to retrieve it, and I will attempt to return to the pure state I used to know, where color meets color and perhaps nothing more.

I will step once again into the fire and noise, and attempt to deflect all one thousand arrows...

Oh no! It's the post show blues...

The paintings are painted, the titles ring true, the work is signed, the hanging wires are on, and the show is documented. The press release has gone out. The work is expertly placed on the walls of the space that you are showing with.

The artist statement is crafted and placed on the wall, and all your tags are straight. Even your website has been updated to showcase your latest body of work. You are exhausted, happy and amazed that you managed to pull this off again. You are giddy for a day or two, you love the way the work looks on a well lit wall, and that there is space to stand back and really take the work in. Perhaps you feel this is the first time you have been able to really see your own work.

Oh, what a relief it is... Or is it?

Don't be surprised if a nagging hollow feeling sets in, a sadness, a "what now" kind of feeling. You've worked so hard for months, maybe even a year or so to pull this off and now people are complimenting you, and you are connecting to the public in a positive and powerful way, so you feel you should be over the moon, but it just doesn't connect. You are pleased but not giddy anymore, and now you are beginning to feel a bit adrift.

You may feel silly or even guilty for thinking this, so I am just going to say it. You have the post show blues. So now that you know, here's a few things you can do about it.

I still deal with this process after a large show is completed. It sneaks up on me and surprises me every time. My natural thought pattern after a show is "wow- good job that was a huge undertaking, it's time to kick back and be a zombie for awhile." I don't go up to my studio for weeks, I watch more TV/Internet than normal, I just kinda kick back in a major way, but instead of feeling any peace or relaxation, I start to feel worse, and more bummed out. So, even though it may seem counter-intuitive to get back into the studio after a big show, I recommend it highly.

Get back on the horse, and regain focus. Try little doodles, collage, perhaps even a medium that you don't normally work in-just keep moving, and don't let inertia take over. Create for fun, not for show, and take a little of the pressure off.

Realize that your life isn't falling apart, you are just in a jumble temporarily. If you think about it, it makes sense to feel sad after completing a body of work. While creating this body of work you had a strong sense of purpose, you had a goal, a theme, a deadline. You created these works, and you created the time and memories surrounding these works of art. When the show is done, you are then releasing all that to the public, and there is a letting go.
This is a wonderful part of it, the letting go, but is may always hurt a little. This just means you are emotionally invested in the work, or the process of creating the work. Trust me, this is a good thing, people who view your work can sense this.

Try to view this time not as an end, but as a beginning. The paintings are about to be thrust into a new life, a new understanding, and atmosphere. Many things were learned while creating this body of work and while these paintings have been fully actualised, think of all the little tricks and ideas that popped up while you worked on this body that you couldn't fully explore. This is your fuel for the next work and the next show.

Be honest with yourself or someone close to you about how you are feeling. It is hard to admit you are feeling less than stellar, when everyone around you is happy and excited for you, and you may also feel pressure to project a certain image to potential clients. Hopefully there is at least one person that you can express these feelings to or perhaps you can write about it in a journal and let it go. Keeping it bottled up will only make you feel more alone and stuck. Let it go so that you can start to free your energy up for the next exhibit or creative project that comes your way.

Take time to celebrate yourself and your accomplishments and then get back to work. Have a nice dinner, throw yourself a party, buy yourself flowers or a gadget, and then clean up your studio space, make it inviting, and start anew.Think of all the new paintings that are waiting for you. They can't be created without you. You make these paintings, your ups, your downs, your passion, and your perseverance.

Post show blues? Don't go down without a fight.