The awkward beauty of what comes next

I've been in a mood, aka a dark place. It's only this morning after cutting my fringe/bangs, putting on too much lipstick for working at home & the studio and drinking two cups of mint green tea, meditating, taking a mint scented shower and taking an "art selfie" while listening to one of my favourite/favorite old Siouxie and the Banshee's albums on headphones at full blast that I thought perhaps I could write my blog and feel a little better.

Whew... so your perpetual art cheerleader has dark days and weeks too, but you knew that. Truly with the world on fire and drowning at the same time, threats of nuclear war, and with 45 at the helm in America and May here in the UK, it's no wonder. Who isn't bummed out right now?

Regardless, I got to the studio and I worked through it and each time I did, I felt better. I worked on two "accidental" portraits for a commission. I also worked on two large 80x80cm/31x31" canvases, and I sold two more brooches and added three new ones to my wearable art collection. I have listed them in my Etsy shop. I even tended to some gallery business and social media programming. I also tried out 2 new recipes (not art related I know, but cooking is just another way I express my creativity). I also showed up for my Tuesday Studio Video Visit Video, a bit late but I made it. If you missed it on Facebook, you can see it here.



See this is why I keep a blog, when I read all of that, I feel much better and I know I haven't completely given up. I may have cried while doing the above-listed things and spent too much time zoning out in front of my computer while feeling too incapacitated to reach out to friends and family but damn if I wasn't productive.

As I was writing this, I received notification that my very first Distillation Series print, "The awkward beauty of what comes next" (pictured below) has sold from my Etsy shop and will be headed to The States! That's wonderful news! I was so excited about that series and those prints and felt a bit bummed out that they fell flat after their launch. Everything works in its own time. Thanks as always, patrons!

My old go to phrase on this blog was often, "Everyday we paint is a victory" in recent times this has often been replaced with "Keep fighting" and to me they mean pretty much the same thing. Keep working, keep showing up, on the good days, the bad days, and every plain old day in between. Sometimes you will be okay and pleased and sometimes you won't and that's okay too.

We are all in this together. The world needs you, your art, and your vision. Let's keep fighting. To those in the path of Irma, please stay safe. x

Back from the brink

detail. work in progress. 

Deconstructivism. That is my word of the day.

I am back in my studio working on the same paintings that I started a month or so ago. It's only since last week's experiment that I have decided I really like it when the canvas bits aren't so uniform and perfectly glued down. At first, I was trying to cover up the old maps adhered to the panel with bits of raw canvas and begin anew but now I really like the maps peeking out. This morning when I got to the studio, I started painting the previously coffee stained canvas bits white. I then spontaneously pulled one of the glued pieces of canvas off to see what it revealed and then I fell in love with what I saw and I remembered things.

I kept pulling bits off, saving the pieces and then later reconstructing the deconstruction. I just wanted to enjoy the textures, the energy, the colors from underneath and I didn't really care if it looked damaged. I love things that look damaged just like I love it when the greenery overtakes forgotten buildings. This is happening in these works, rebuilding, decay and then tearing it down and putting it back up but with the decay rearranged. These works are not smooth and will not be glossy afterwards. These works are dirty and wrecked but in this wreckage you find beauty. You find little gems and it feels honest. The whole time I was thinking, make the work you want to make. Make the work you want to see. This is my revolution. Tear it apart. It felt wonderful. I don't know when I last felt this, I just can't even remember.

And time did that thing! I put on an album and walked away and suddenly fifteen long songs had played and I couldn't believe it, it was as if I just put the record on. That rarely ever happens anymore. Today it happened. No wonder artists get so depressed, to feel this and then to have it go away! It's like being a magician and someone takes your magic away for a long time and locks it in a box and hides it right under your nose with the key around your neck but you still can't find it. It is horrible.

So what changed? Well, today I saw my future and I hadn't even dared to dream of one in such a long time. I completed a three week meditation course yesterday meaning that today I could either stop or find another. I found another one based on imagining our desires and manifesting those feelings into life. After the meditation I wrote exactly what I envisioned and what it felt like. I hadn't dared to think that way in ages. I had to unlock that box. I had to dare to dream, dare to want, dare to try. 

I hope I get to stay here for a while but I will take what I can get. I was just beginning to wonder why I was doing so much yoga, meditation and self care and I was feeling like I wanted to quit and then today happened. That is why we must never give up. We are setting the stage for today.

Make the work you want to make. Make the work you want to see. This is my revolution. Tear it apart.