Contemplation

I am cleaning up my thoughts and stories that surround my art, process, and why I make art in the first place. How did I get here?

I feel this is some dark and murky territory and I feel deeply challenged as I wade in. This is an emotional landscape. I feel a bit lost, floating around the edges of things unable to put words to where I am in my head regarding my art. I feel like I am hovering above the meaning of it all and my feet are nowhere near touching.

This is not a bad thing, it's just uncomfortable and that is a good thing. I am challenged and I don't have any answers. So with this knowledge, I move forward.

Ideas about value and worth swirl around my head, mirroring my self-esteem. I have underpriced my work. I have undervalued my work. I have undervalued myself, my time, and my skills. At the same time, I have shied away from the true risk in my work. I have only scratched the surface because of fear. I have been lazy and played it safe. I dance on the outside of my real work in order to keep the peace, in order to fulfill a void, in order to fulfill a need. Not always but often. There are bodies and pieces of my work that go deeper. I remember them as if they were a dream, and I am always trying to get back to that secret door.

I like dirty work, torn work, imperfect work, energetic work and dark work. I always have but I don't allow myself to make this work too often. I hold back, I censor, I repeat and stay safe.

The awkward beauty of what comes next

I've been in a mood, aka a dark place. It's only this morning after cutting my fringe/bangs, putting on too much lipstick for working at home & the studio and drinking two cups of mint green tea, meditating, taking a mint scented shower and taking an "art selfie" while listening to one of my favourite/favorite old Siouxie and the Banshee's albums on headphones at full blast that I thought perhaps I could write my blog and feel a little better.

Whew... so your perpetual art cheerleader has dark days and weeks too, but you knew that. Truly with the world on fire and drowning at the same time, threats of nuclear war, and with 45 at the helm in America and May here in the UK, it's no wonder. Who isn't bummed out right now?

Regardless, I got to the studio and I worked through it and each time I did, I felt better. I worked on two "accidental" portraits for a commission. I also worked on two large 80x80cm/31x31" canvases, and I sold two more brooches and added three new ones to my wearable art collection. I have listed them in my Etsy shop. I even tended to some gallery business and social media programming. I also tried out 2 new recipes (not art related I know, but cooking is just another way I express my creativity). I also showed up for my Tuesday Studio Video Visit Video, a bit late but I made it. If you missed it on Facebook, you can see it here.



See this is why I keep a blog, when I read all of that, I feel much better and I know I haven't completely given up. I may have cried while doing the above-listed things and spent too much time zoning out in front of my computer while feeling too incapacitated to reach out to friends and family but damn if I wasn't productive.

As I was writing this, I received notification that my very first Distillation Series print, "The awkward beauty of what comes next" (pictured below) has sold from my Etsy shop and will be headed to The States! That's wonderful news! I was so excited about that series and those prints and felt a bit bummed out that they fell flat after their launch. Everything works in its own time. Thanks as always, patrons!

My old go to phrase on this blog was often, "Everyday we paint is a victory" in recent times this has often been replaced with "Keep fighting" and to me they mean pretty much the same thing. Keep working, keep showing up, on the good days, the bad days, and every plain old day in between. Sometimes you will be okay and pleased and sometimes you won't and that's okay too.

We are all in this together. The world needs you, your art, and your vision. Let's keep fighting. To those in the path of Irma, please stay safe. x