I know where I have been

It was a good week. On Tuesday I spent 9 hours in my studio, moving, cleaning, and touching everything - making space. As I handled my materials and put my like objects with like objects, I remembered a little more about what I have dedicated my life to and what I value. I enjoyed my time in the studio - it felt good with new energy and purpose.

Box cutters, scissors, glue, twine, pastels, charcoal, brush after brush, paint, papers and canvas, work in progress, and finished works were all there on hold, patiently waiting for my return.

They issued statements, dedications, lamentations, and more importantly declarations.

I make things and experiences. I elicit feelings. I love it when you feel. Better you than me. Just kidding, feelings drip off me like honey. I have feelings to spare, have a spoonful. 

I posted a Tuesday Studio Video Visit after my marathon clean, if you haven't seen it yet, here it is again.

In other news, I also made time to pop by a friend's exhibition this week. Esther Donaldson was showing her brilliant portraits as part of a 3 woman show called, “Untraced Stories” at Dundas Street Gallery. I’m lucky I caught it just before it closed.

Find and follow these talented artists on Instagram and beyond.

@estherdonaldsonart / Esther Donaldson

@justinemarymiller / Justine Miller

@rosybpainter / Rosy Barnes

I was too busy chatting with the artists and enjoying the exhibition to take photos, but here’s a photo of my newest acquisition - this wonderful portrait by Esther Donaldson. I have wanted one of her fabulous portraits for a while now, so I’m delighted!

Portrait by Esther Donaldson

Detail by Esther Donaldson

Besides all of this, there has been meditation, yoga, exercise, walks, other bits and pieces of work and all the self-care you can shake a stick at. I love the spring - the flowers, the fresh green, and the new beginnings.

This morning, I listened to this old song and danced.

Try it and then continue to fight the power. Joy is necessary!

Thank you for your support.

Music is the key that unlocks the door

Dancing in the old house
Original mixed media painting 
200 gsm heavyweight acid-free cartridge paper
A2/16.5x23.4", 2020, Megan Chapman

This week I painted again. After last week's five-piece story, these two larger pieces came tumbling out. Sometimes, it has to do with time and then sometimes it has to do with music. And this week I found a piece of music that moved me. I think music is my most important art material. Without it, there is no work. This work was created while I was listening to the album Henosis by Joep Beving. I have his first albums that I have previously painted to but this one crossed my path this week. I am grateful it did. Music clears the clutter and lets me soar inwardly so I can find the marks and the places that need to be explored and expressed through my art. I use music like breadcrumbs towards a shamanic journey. It is the key that unlocks the door. I have more to say but I just can't seem to put it together just now. Perhaps the paintings can do the talking. 

This is where it starts
Original mixed media painting
200 gsm heavyweight acid-free cartridge paper
A2/16.5x23.4", 2020, Megan Chapman 

Finding my anchor

Revisiting a group of large paintings that I started in January. There are five of them, the beginnings of a series I left abandoned for the past 3 months. I am drawn to this one and think I will use it as the anchor for the series.

I am collecting information. I am researching and gathering raw materials in the form of cultural excavation. I am in the building phase, or really the rebuilding phase.

I am re-learning. I am reading, I am listening and I am watching.

I am reframing and looking back to move forward. Taking strength and power from those who have come before and finding support through their words and creations.

More on that later.

In the studio on Tuesday, I talked about a few milestones. My Tuesday Studio Video Visit turned two last month! This blog turned twelve and my "Books" series will be twenty at the end of this month. If you don't follow my art page on Facebook you can catch it again here. I am in the process of transferring my Tuesday Studio Video Visits to YouTube so that more people can access them and for a future project I have planned.

Okay back to later...

I am purposely filling my head with the ideas and cultural offerings of women. My head has already been filled by the ideas and work of men by default. I know what you are thinking, don't make me say some of my best friends are men...(they are). Of course, my head has been filled with many amazing offerings created by men and will continue to be, but at the same time, many of these offerings don't always reflect me and my life and nor perhaps should they. Their gaze is searching from and creating through a system that has been made for them. Hand built by them, for them, and how wonderful and empowering that must be, but perhaps also crippling at times. See how I have to keep softening everything I write as to not offend. I am so tired of doing that but I feel I must keep doing it to stay safe in this hand-built world, not of my design.

In art school, I was praised for painting like a man. I proudly took the "compliment" as I understood that it meant my work was strong, bold and good and not weak or easy. Sorry, sisters. I was deeply assimilated into the patriarchy to get along without even knowing.

As a teen, I liked to think I was "one of the guys" (not like the "other" girls). I could drink and smoke with the boys, sometimes teetering on the edge of dangerous explorations. I could curse a blue streak and smash it up with the rest of them. I would be upfront in the crush of the pit at gigs or right in front of the speakers (cause I thought I was tough and could take it), I would listen to the music you liked and I'd like it too (of course). When I saw Black Flag at the age of 14, I purposely picked out the Pettibon designed T-shirt that said "I've been good too long" and proudly wore it to Jr. High the next day. I never felt like I was a "good" girl/woman. In my youth, I was boy crazy as I looked to them for approval, adoration, and information. I wanted what they had; that strength, charisma, power, and mostly that freedom. What appeared on the surface, as a lack of fear.

I went through periods of my life where I messed up my female friendships to run after or just run with the boys. Or I just didn't give the girls and women in my life enough time or attention. Again, sorry sisters. Thankfully, as I grew up, I came to my senses and have many long-lasting, wonderful and true friendships with women all over the world. These women have been my teachers, mentors, confidants and fellow hell-raisers. These women have strength, charisma, power, and freedom too. Many of them had to learn to live with and triumph over their fears and rise above every day in this world that wasn't built for or by them. These women are revolutionaries, my heroines, and luckily my cohorts.

What does all of this have to do with my work? Every fucking thing.

We can't be what we can't see. Right now I am seeing women being brutally raw and honest. I am seeing women create masterpieces of art and literature, I am seeing the female gaze in the films they make, the roles they take and the songs they sing. I see the truth of my being reflected back. What the hell is a "good" woman anyway and why would I ever want to be one?

Until next week, keep fighting.