Pleased to meet me

It's none of your business how I live my life. I come here to talk about my art and painting. I share my new works with you, recap my Tuesday Studio videos, share interviews, exciting news and let you know where you can see and buy my work or how you can now buy me a cup of coffee in support of my working vision and all the things I share freely on social media channels.

Everything I share is mostly couched in art. It is the studio blog after all and that makes sense. However, sometimes I get tired of just sticking to the facts and the limits of our relationship here. 

I remember once I wrote my Grandma Chapman a letter when I was probably 14 or 15 alluding to the fact that I didn't want a superficial relationship with her anymore. I didn't want to tell her about the weather in Fayetteville and ask her how it was down in North Little Rock. Had it rained? Was it humid there too? I wanted to share my real life with her. I wanted to share when I was mad at my father (her son) or that I had been smoking cigarettes at lunch and after school and when did she start smoking anyway? And there's this boy I like but he's all wrong for me... I wanted to cut the shit so to speak. 

I want to do that with you too. I want to do that with myself as well. 

I've been having a hard time and not just because we need to move from this flat. I have been having a hard time for years.

I pause here because that feels like a heavy statement. I have been having a hard time for years. Yes, me. The one that wishes that you are happy, well, and inspired at the end of each video visit. The one that tells you to keep fighting at the end of most blogs. These are like affirmations that I put out to the world but it is also what I need to hear. I want to be well, happy, and inspired. I want to keep fighting.

So while I have been having a hard time for years, I have also been doing things to help me have a less of a hard time. These things include yoga, meditation, relaxation exercises, affirmations, chanting, counselors, life coaches, shamans, Chinese medicine doctors, western doctors, an outpatient chronic pain clinic for fibromyalgia, masseuses, healers, reaching out to close friends, walking, exercise, writing, making art, volunteering, flirting with and sometimes committing to sober living sometimes for years and sometimes for months, and generally trying to moving forward.

I have also done plenty of things to only exacerbate my hard times over the years, you know like those classics of being angry, drinking too much, eating too much, loving too much, needing too much, and changing too much to please others, numbing myself out, isolating, and living in denial all the while doubting myself, feeling low, and fearing the world.

I remember in my twenties when I was living in Oregon and I was having debilitating anxiety and panic attacks, my brother Sean told me to look inside myself for the answers rather than outside. This sentence written in a letter that took a week to reach me mostly just pissed me off at the time because I couldn't really grasp the concept.

The answers are within but I have needed a lot of help and time to find them there. It's none of your business how I live my life. I come here to talk about my art and painting. I also come here to share my humanity and connect with you. For the past eight weeks and four days, I have made a concerted effort to practice yoga along with meditation (sometimes twice a day). I have been practicing both off and on for decades but this time has felt a bit different, somehow more internalised, connected, and helpful than in times before and I am grateful.

This is setting the stage for better thinking and feeling states and I need this as we look for a place to live and as we move into autumn and winter in Scotland. I have also been listening to Russell Brand's latest book Recovery: Freedom from our Addictions. I like the way he presents the 12 steps in a very relatable way. Mr. Brand can be a polarising celebrity with an egocentric shamanistic vibe (but damn, his impressive vocabulary is certainly something to aspire to). Whatever you think of him, I think he is hitting the right tone with this book in order to connect with many who have been lost when it comes to traditional recovery literature. I can make this statement with some strange and small degree of experience, as once upon a time I was in training to become a chemical dependency counselor in Oregon before I nipped that idea in the bud so I could stop worrying about my drinking, enjoy the music scene, and focus on my art - I am confident I made the right choice. Anyway, some of you might enjoy the book, I am still working my way through it.

I sent this blog post to a dear friend to read before I published it. Am I saying anything wrong? Am I going to be misunderstood? Am I going to be painted into a corner? Am I going to get in trouble? 

The answer is no.

I just want you to know me. I want to share a new baseline understanding. I want to be more of a whole person in this world and that can only be a good thing.

My name is Megan Chapman and I bet we have a lot in common.

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And the serious work begins...

work in progress in the studio

This week has been good, mostly spent painting in the studio, researching, writing and talking about my upcoming series. I have maintained regular hours in my studio and have six paintings on the go currently. They are in the infancy stages, but I am feeling better about all things since I have been spending regular time around my materials and working. It hasn't been easy, there has been a lot of pacing back and forth and flipping through my music to find just the "right" album to set the tone.

This body of work seems like it is going to be a stretch, a bit like pulling teeth with a heavy dose of trepidation but also unbridled excitement and inspiration. I cleaned my studio, took inventory and ordered the supplies I assumed I would need to complete this next body of work. My supplies have mostly arrived and I have a pretty good idea that there will be twenty new pieces in the series. All of this is subject to change as the work and concepts start to solidify. I say this mostly as an escape route for myself and from any expectations from viewers, but truly I hope I can pull of what I am setting out to do.

In other news, having my etsy shop re-opened has been really great. I have enjoyed finding my flash cards and my maps of the night featured in several really lovely treasuries. A treasury is when a fellow etsy seller functions as a curator and creates collections of work they admire. I have had a couple of sales as well. There are only ten flashcards and one map of the night left!

Until next week, you know what to do...

The Map, and then the Reality

Part 1: The Map

It is time to get serious for my upcoming exhibition."Evidence of the Disappearance" to be held at the Blue Moon Gallery in Hot Springs, Arkansas in June and July 2008. I head to the studio early one morning to find the paperboard backing off an old newsprint pad and I grab the nearest sharpie marker.

I make a map or diagram of what I need to do.

Preparing for a show is a long process and it can be overwhelming so, I like to "map" out the grand scheme and then eventually break it into more manageable chunks and set daily goals. I scrawl the title across the top, and start visualizing how many paintings I want to create to fill the space and of what size and orientation. I write a few ideas to keep me in line, things I know I want to incorporate into the show, a little of the theme, and some reference points. I draw boxes representing the paintings that I have completed, started and finished. I will mark these "done" as I work through my plan, with dashed lines, X's and checks- these markings will mean something to me. I am already feeling some relief. Some structure is a good thing; when I set parameters, I can then relax and let go and know that the process will take care of me in the end.

Once I have my visual map, rather than thinking "upcoming show=a ton of work," I can break it down, "Today all I need to worry about is starting three paintings, or revisiting yesterday's 10x10's etc." I take an index card or any scrap of paper and write down this smaller daily goal and pin it to the bulletin board in my painting area. I rarely look at it again except to mark it "done" when I am about to turn off my studio lights for the day. These little organizational tools help me to keep a cool head. I have these goals, but I also know I may not always meet them. I may get caught up in a particular piece and drift away and loose track of my "map" for the day and that is fine. I use the map and small goal cards to jump start me into action, and to bring some order to an initially unnerving situation. There is always room to deviate and meander through the process of preparing for an exhibition.The map and cards are simply my good intentions actualized, and we all know that saying about good intentions...


Part 2 : And then the reality

I shout at the muddy fragmented painting, " you're killing me!"and then suddenly it yields unexpected and positive results. The floor of my studio becomes littered with blotter paper and partially finished paintings. I am listening to every Interpol song ever recorded and I know I am in the zone.

Random words, sections of remembered dreams and song lyrics filter through as I work. Occasionally, even a potential title will reveal itself. This hum runs through my mind as my music gets turned up another notch. I jump, clap, and sing loudly, as I am painting. I am an active participant but I am not really here at the same time. I am watching all this happen from the other side of the room. One painting leads to another, one problem after the other, they keep pulling me along as I gain momentum.

This is my process at 5am (and sometimes earlier) every morning when I am working on a show. Some days are amazing, the music has never sounded better and the paintings on the easel are flowing like electricity. And some days, in the bright lights of my studio the paintings are awful, like pulling teeth or learning a new language, tears come too easily and it feels like I have never painted before. At times, I feel like giving up and getting a job at Target. Voices in my head, (the inner critics) say "hide the gold, hide the aqua- you know you are just imitating yourself!" So, I use some other colors for the sake of freshness and they reward me with a vividly hued mess. I then yell at the canvas "Are you kidding me?" The painting is so ugly it's embarrassing. I turn off the studio lights, my brow furrowed,"Am I really going to leave that on the easel to greet me when I return?" Sadly, I think so.

This impasse also signals break time. Perhaps, a MySpace login is in order (hello friends!). After a few minutes of quick greets, best wishes, and emoticon winks, I march back up the stairs to my studio and once again disappear into the process. I find a strong yet dreamy song and set it to repeat, and for the next few hours it helps to silence the questions, and I will dive back in. I know I will repeat this process again and again for months until the "Evidence of the Disappearance" is realized...


Now, for an exciting announcement: It is time for the paper painting give away, the response was tremendous last month! I will be giving away a small original painting on Arches paper to one lucky reader that leaves me a comment on today's blog. I will mail to anywhere in the world. To enter, please leave a comment on this blog entry. I will randomly draw a number to correspond with the comments in the order they are received. The giveaway runs from today through Tuesday of next week, so get your comment in between now and Tuesday at midnight. I'll post the winners name in my blog next Friday, along with an image of the piece they will receive so please be sure to check back, so that I can then contact you to get your postal information. I appreciate everyone who reads and comments on my studio blog. Thank you for all your support and encouragement. It means the world to me. GOOD LUCK!