There is a spiritual side to my life that has been missing.
The mysterious, artful way of seeing the world that needs nurturing, protecting and that will fade away if not cared for. It is this part that enables me to be an artist; to operate with childlike wonder and openness to receive the beauty of the dappled light on my table as I write. To see the flash of red from a bird against the green trees. To feel the wind as kisses blowing across my cheek and to hear the perfection of a bass line as it floats in the air from across the room on the stereo.
I must pay attention to these things, these beautiful moments. I must go inside and make time to notice, to feel and relish in them. That is why the armor must come off and the environment carefully chosen and why the computer must be shut down.
These are the moments that make me feel connected to everything that is bigger than me. Food can get you there, booze can get you there, love can get you there too but for me it is the act of turning my back on it all and going inside to listen, see and observe.This creates the space to see and feel deeply. This creates the space to make art and live a life less ordinary.
I have lived so many lives and this is the good one now. It's time to embrace it.
I am finding it hard to come up with eloquent words for "things aren't going too well." I am known for my "dream it, do it" cheer leading and mentoring style of "keep fighting" and "onwards and upwards" etc etc... but I am all out of that currently.
However, even in the worst of times, I will stand by Art. I will stand behind my art and my ability to create relationships around it. I will stand by my ability to encourage others to sell their brilliant work. I will stand by this profession. I will know that art has given me a rich and varied life filled with discovery, self empowerment and understanding. I will know art has given me my mental health as much or more than it has destroyed it.
Studying art at the University of Oregon was the greatest gift I could have ever given myself, it was the true beginning of my independence. Art taught me how to think and see and how to discuss things critically without being cruel. Art taught me how to learn about different viewpoints and styles. Art taught me how to create on a deadline, dream up my own stories and find my tribe of people when I had always felt like an outsider. Art allowed me to put my varied emotions all in one place and into a clear channel of creation.
I have sold a lot art in these nineteen years since my first professional exhibition. I have created a lot as well and luckily I don't have a closet of doom packed with unsold works. However, I am sure there is a gallery or two that wishes some of my older work would sell so they would have more room in their closets. I am fortunate that I have a dedicated following and community of patrons and fellow artists that respect my work and value me.
Currently, this is not enough to pay the bills. It has been in the past and it will be again in the future but it is a struggle. These past four years have been the biggest struggle of my life but thanks to art I am still here. I am still filled with the belief that things will get better and it is not the time (nor will it ever be) to give up on my art. When you know why you are on the planet it is hard to just walk away.
Sometimes all I can hear in my head is "it's time to end this charade." However, I am not going to stop. I am not going to give in. I am not going to quit. This is not obstinacy on my part, this is faith and drive. This is a call to action.
Luckily, the cheerleader doesn't stay down for long.
Alright, I'll say it. Keep fighting, the world needs you and your art...
I wrote one blog in my mind and typed another. This is because of you. Thank you. x
Sorry for my delay in posting my blog. I have had about six different blog topics swimming around in my head and I couldn't land on just one.
I feel the need for a little gathering of the evidence time for myself. This is purely a selfish exercise and if you read this blog often enough you will know I do this everyone once in awhile. I don't always know if I have been productive enough for my standards unless I read what I have done. The days are shooting past and I am just not sure what happened to them. Such a blur. What have I been doing with my art since January? I must examine the time.
January:
I completed my commission forRoyal Blind as part of their first ever Royal Blind Week aiming to raise awareness and vital funds for the services they offer for the blind and partially sighted. My work was also featured on the Royal Blind's website alongside an interview with me as well. I really enjoyed creating the painting and so glad I was able to participate in the exhibition in Edinburgh, Scotland.
In publishing news, I was notified that Pocket full of live wires from my 2010 series, Falling into Sound would be published alongside a poem written by New Hampshire's state poet laureate Alice B. Fogel entitled Full of Life. Ms. Fogel's poem was written in response to my painting and will be published in the journal LETTERS produced by students from Yale University’s Institute of Sacred Music and Yale Divinity School. After receiving that great news, I was contacted again by the editor of the journal and asked if I would be interested in having two of my Ghosts of the past series of works published as well.
I also offered one of my Ghosts of the past paintings as a reproduction to the Creative Action Network in partnership with Obama's Organizing For Action. United for Reform crowdsources artwork for immigration reform, a cause near to my heart.
It was during this time that it was confirmed that the American debut of my Ghosts of the Past Exposed series had been picked up by a gallery. I had a lovely exhibition at the Anne Kittrell Gallery at the University of Arkansas. The exhibition was on display February 17th - March 7th. There was an article about the exhibition in the University's newspaper and on their website as well.
In other creation news, at the end of January I completed a small complicated work that gave me all kinds of wonderful trouble, called I will. This piece was sent to Scotland for an exhibition at Little Ox Gallery in Edinburgh.
February:
I started off the month making fourteen cards from a new series called handmade love. The cards were initially created because of Valentine's Day. I wanted to create the kind of card that I would like to receive or give. They were a joy to make.
By the middle to late February all the paintings in exhibitions were up and on display, whether it was the Ghosts of the past exhibition at the University of Arkansas or the larger painting in the Royal Blind Exhibition or the small work in theLittle Ox gallery exhibition, Here We Are. It was a joy to be participating in two internationally group shows and one local solo exhibition.
Towards the end of the month I painted four more new works in a continuation of my abstract landscape works on paper inspired by Scotland. I was very pleased with the reception of this popular series.
March:
At the beginning of the month, I found myself wanting to use my studio space more and try to feel comfortable and at home in the space as I have been more or less nomadic ever since the old underground closed. It was good to spend time in my attic studio and get ready to work again on larger works.
It was also at this time that I started planning a series of four, two hour workshops on the business aspect of art. I was hoping to teach this locally but for now I am looking forward to marketing this online as a subscription service in the near future.
Also during this month,I had an impromptu spring sale of some of my older color works from 2004/5 and one that remained from 2009. I found 4 out of the 5 paintings new homes! It was lovely to connect with folks that were excited to get a larger piece of mine for a great price. I was so pleased.
Later in March, with the exhibitions now complete there was time for some contemplation about making art, why I do it, my identity as an artist and feasibility of it all. It was a bit of doubtful time. Even with the successes in my career it just felt a bit like it was all slipping away and that perhaps I should give up. But, I didn't. I started painting in my studio again and getting more comfortable up there all the while. First working on a older color piece and then leaving it behind to start a new series.
I also decided to offer a selection of some of my older color works from 2008's Evidence of the Disappearance series as archival reproductions over on Society6.
At the end of the month the Spring 2014 issue of LETTERS was published. I was honored to have my work featured on the cover and three of my paintings within the journal from YALE as well.
April:
I was the guest speaker at the monthly meeting of the Scottish Society of Northwest Arkansas. I gave a talk about my project, my research and my time in Scotland. It was a lovely meeting and really the highlight of the month. I showed my entire Ghosts of the past body of work to the attentive audience and loved the intimate setting of the event. It was a lovely opportunity that I fully enjoyed.
I kept working on my new series in the studio, they were evolving in a way I never really imagined but then at the same time it was perfect. I love it when art becomes serendipitous and teaches me while I create it. This new series is all about this life and the rebuilding process; a process that I know all too well from recent years.
Then suddenly in mid April I was having amazing conversations about art and was brought back to life. I know that sounds dramatic but it was so good to be back in the thick of it, making the art I needed to make, writing the blogs that needed writing and having these deep conversations and feeling understood and in my element. It had been such a long time since I had felt this way. I produced 8 new paintings that knocked my socks off. These paintings, I believe represent a shift in my thinking, my beliefs, my self esteem and my worth as a woman and as an artist. They are strong at the same time fragile, they are beautiful at the same time raw, they are as much about rebuilding as they are tearing down. I will be good to these works as they have been good to me.
This month I also started a group on facebook called Women's Work. I wanted a place where women artists could share their art, inspirations, ideas and struggles. A place to celebrate all the art that women create and to learn about new artists and ideas. It's just getting started but so far it seems like a good space. I would like to curate exhibitions out of the group eventually and do more with it as it unfolds. We have to create the change we want to see.
May (early days yet, have a lot of time to do good things)
I have been working in my studio on some more new 12x12" works on panel from the series I revealed last week. I am currently researching potential exhibitions and galleries in which to show these new works. I also recently completed a 9x12" commission on paper. I have a large commission that I am looking forward to starting in the near future. But first I must finish the rest of this series. I would like to paint on larger panels. We will see if it is in the cards. And yes, I do commissions, so if you are in the market please contact me!
4 months (and a touch of May) have come and gone. I have participated in two international group exhibitions, had a solo exhibition, supported two causes near to my heart through my art, was published, enjoyed a public speaking engagement and created thirty-three works this year so far.
I'll be honest, this is a hard gig. I keep going but it keeps getting harder to maintain a life lived in honor of my true calling and my passion. In the past I wondered if I even had a right to live my life in this way. I have come to a conclusion. I do. I have the right to make and create my art, write my truth and sing my songs. It doesn't always pay but I am going to do it. You know this about me.
I am back in my studio working on the same paintings that I started a month or so ago. It's only since last week's experiment that I have decided I really like it when the canvas bits aren't so uniform and perfectly glued down. At first, I was trying to cover up the old maps adhered to the panel with bits of raw canvas and begin anew but now I really like the maps peeking out. This morning when I got to the studio, I started painting the previously coffee stained canvas bits white. I then spontaneously pulled one of the glued pieces of canvas off to see what it revealed and then I fell in love with what I saw and I remembered things.
I kept pulling bits off, saving the pieces and then later reconstructing the deconstruction. I just wanted to enjoy the textures, the energy, the colors from underneath and I didn't really care if it looked damaged. I love things that look damaged just like I love it when the greenery overtakes forgotten buildings. This is happening in these works, rebuilding, decay and then tearing it down and putting it back up but with the decay rearranged. These works are not smooth and will not be glossy afterwards. These works are dirty and wrecked but in this wreckage you find beauty. You find little gems and it feels honest. The whole time I was thinking, make the work you want to make. Make the work you want to see. This is my revolution. Tear it apart. It felt wonderful. I don't know when I last felt this, I just can't even remember.
And time did that thing! I put on an album and walked away and suddenly fifteen long songs had played and I couldn't believe it, it was as if I just put the record on. That rarely ever happens anymore. Today it happened. No wonder artists get so depressed, to feel this and then to have it go away! It's like being a magician and someone takes your magic away for a long time and locks it in a box and hides it right under your nose with the key around your neck but you still can't find it. It is horrible.
So what changed? Well, today I saw my future and I hadn't even dared to dream of one in such a long time. I completed a three week meditation course yesterday meaning that today I could either stop or find another. I found another one based on imagining our desires and manifesting those feelings into life. After the meditation I wrote exactly what I envisioned and what it felt like. I hadn't dared to think that way in ages. I had to unlock that box. I had to dare to dream, dare to want, dare to try.
I hope I get to stay here for a while but I will take what I can get. I was just beginning to wonder why I was doing so much yoga, meditation and self care and I was feeling like I wanted to quit and then today happened. That is why we must never give up. We are setting the stage for today.
Make the work you want to make. Make the work you want to see. This is my revolution. Tear it apart.
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