Definition of success

Studio photo by Eve Smith

My definition of success:

Be able to stay free enough in mind, body, and soul to make the work. 

Have a space to make the work in which you can be free in mind, body, and soul so that you don't think about the wall, the floor, the carpet, the extension of your arm, and the paint that drips from that self-expression. 

Have a space to share this work with others.

Have some sort of roof over your head, some sort of clothes on your back, some sort of food in your belly, maintain this basic standard of living. 

Have some sort of family, friends, community, or group of peers that understand you and that speaks a shared language. 

Have love in your life, feel seen, understood, and supported. See, understand, and support others. 

Have a tabby cat.

Laugh, dance, listen to music, be in nature, feel alive, and find beautiful places to walk and explore.

Enjoy and support all forms of culture.

Share all of this with others.

Inside to listen

There is a spiritual side to my life that has been missing.

The mysterious, artful way of seeing the world that needs nurturing, protecting and that will fade away if not cared for. It is this part that enables me to be an artist; to operate with childlike wonder and openness to receive the beauty of the dappled light on my table as I write. To see the flash of red from a bird against the green trees. To feel the wind as kisses blowing across my cheek and to hear the perfection of a bass line as it floats in the air from across the room on the stereo.

I must pay attention to these things, these beautiful moments. I must go inside and make time to notice, to feel and relish in them. That is why the armor must come off and the environment carefully chosen and why the computer must be shut down.

These are the moments that make me feel connected to everything that is bigger than me. Food can get you there, booze can get you there, love can get you there too but for me it is the act of turning my back on it all and going inside to listen, see and observe.This creates the space to see and feel deeply. This creates the space to make art and live a life less ordinary.

I have lived so many lives and this is the good one now. It's time to embrace it.

True Confessions...

I was drawing a blank as to what to write about this week. Feeling under the gun I flipped through my composition book marked "brain storms" and this is what I found...

The following passage was created during a 15 minute free write purge on my "art." I was wrestling with myself as an artist and what it all means. I hope you will find it interesting, I admit it is self indulgent introspection, but it is real and it was how I felt at the time. I hope some of you will be able to relate. Here goes...

"A lot of the time I completely discredit my art. I think it is lazy, and I feel that I "whip" paintings out too fast at times. I don't use the "right" materials, and when I do, I don't use them the way they should be used. I don't have a sink in my studio, and I use foam brushes most of the time. My "studio" is just the attic of my house. I blot my paintings with paper because I don't have the patience to wait for my paintings to dry as I am in a hurry to get in and get out of my studio. Painting can seem like an obligation like everything else. Some days I am not sure I would even paint if people didn't expect it of me. It is just tube paint, water, oil, pencil, charcoal, shapes, textures. My art does not contain my secrets, or a political or social commentary. Sometimes there are no concepts, sometimes I feel I just know how to make "ART." I know the quality of an artist's line, I know what colors go together like a puzzle. Is that art or is that a design project? Do my paintings really have the feelings/meanings that people including myself ascribe to them? Am I just too close to see sometimes? What do they mean?

What if they just mean "lovely?" Would that be enough? I will always compare my work to other artists. I will always compare my prices to others, and I will always worry about sales. It used to be about creating something and now it is becoming more about money and acclaim and moving up. Will my work ever be in ART FORUM? A girl can dream...

While some love my work, I feel it really can't be anything that new or special if I am not toiling over it everyday.

But, when I work, I WORK- I produce an insane amount of work each year. What if it is okay that some of the paintings don't fight to be assembled, what if they are easy? What if I am just lucky, would that be so hard? What if I considered myself as lucky and accepted it, rather than thought less of myself and my work?

I used to paint only for me. I am intuitive, connected, and I am no fool, I know what people will respond to and I create that work. Why do I feel guilty for knowing "the code" so to speak? Why can't I see the glass half full?

I have always had an obsession with being "real" and convinced that I wasn't. That I was always acting for people, to be liked and approved of, to entertain and make other people happy and comfortable. Am I a "real" artist? Are my paintings "real" if they are just colors and knowing how to connect the dots, and then knowing how to "sell" them as art? I know I am a sales person- can I be a "real" artist and a sales person?

And why does everything have to be "real" anyway...?"

You made it through and lucky you! It is time for the third Friday paper painting give away!! This is a larger piece than usual, painted on a 9x12" sheet of 140 lb. Arches paper, and painted outdoors in the summer sun. The painting is pictured above so you know what you are commenting for this time around! Leave a comment, tell me to get over myself, whatever you see fit, here on the blog Friday-Tuesday (by next week at midnight), and you will entered to win the painting pictured in this post. I will announce the winner next Friday! I ship anywhere in the world! Previous winners are eligible, and if you want to comment but not be entered to win just say so. Good Luck! This painting is REAL!

Looking back, to look forward.

Let's go back in time....

February 28 1998
"...This term is almost over, 2 more weeks till finals and then spring break. This term has been pretty good. I like my art classes and my Spanish teacher is good. I've really enjoyed Photography and my teacher Lorena. Sculpture has been okay, I've done one project I like. Painting is okay too, I like my teacher again. Next term I am taking painting, drawing, Spanish, and independent study (more painting). It should be interesting. During spring break I'm going to clean out the basement for my studio. My friend Krista gave me a really nice book on Basquiat, it is a really nice book. I have been doing a little research into the NYC art scene of the 80's. Reading Keith Harring's journal. By reading his journal, I have much more of an appreciation for him and his art. He is a good thinker and writer. I am just so curious about what makes people create art, and do I have the need to create? Why am I in Art school? Am I really passionate about anything?I feel like a faker sometimes, I am not obsessed with art and it seems like you need to be in order to create good things. I don't know. Also, after reading Keith's journal mine looks like JR. High school. I don't contemplate or analyze. I need to think more, (less in some cases though)..."

April 18 1998
"...I'm painting a really big painting and I'm kinda stuck. It bugs me, but time will solve it, I 'm sure. Sometimes, I forget I'm expressing myself. It seems like I get lost and go on someone else's emotion (music) etc. The apartment is trashed because of my painting..."

Almost a year's gap...

March 19 1999
"...It is Spring break, I only have ten more weeks of college left and I'll have my B.F.A. in painting. Exciting and Scary. After school, heading back to Fayetteville in August. To do what, I don't know... I have tons of ideas but who knows what will really happen. I just turned 27. Seems older than 25 or 26, getting close to 30!..."

April 5 1999
"... I am on campus waiting to have my review with my painting teacher, Laura Vandenburg, she wants to see what we've been up to. I want to remember some of my painting and art teacher's names in case they get famous...

• Ron Graff- painting/drawing
  
• Carla Bengston- painting/drawing
  
• Cara Tomlinson- painting/drawing
  
• Laura Vandenburg- painting
  
• Dora Natella- sculpture/design
  
• Lorena Turner- photography
  

I've had some really good teachers here..."

April 10 1999
"... my BFA terminal show is in 5 weeks. I have so much work to do but I've been having some good ideas. I better jot them down before I forget them..." (see image to the left for these ideas)

April 16 1999
"... Back to Art, my show is in 4 weeks. I am not doing any work. I can't motivate. I can't write, it takes too much effort like everything else. Maybe- I should just have another coke and see what's on TV..."



April no date 1999
"...my life is a mess yet calm and proceeding right on schedule too. My show is in 2 weeks, and of course I will graduate in June. My hands look old..."

May 12 1999
"... my show is on Monday! I'm excited but nervous too. What if they don't get it? What if they don't take the time? I just want to hide. My face gets all hot, red, and stingy when I talk about my show. I spaz out about it, too excited and sweaty, it leaves me tired and wanting a drink. I am listening to Tom Waits- Rain dogs. Sometimes he sounds so right..."

May 21 1999
"... Well. Today is the last day of my show. I'm sitting in it. It comes down in about 3 hours. The opening was a big success. I was pleased. People responded the way I had hoped. They sat on the couch and they read the books. They laughed, they read out loud, they seemed touched. Of course some people just walk by. Some are confused and don't know what to do. It is a bit sad when they look over at my work and just walk on by, so into only what is on the walls. They don't want to touch, dirty old books. Anyway, it was a good experience, I kept costs low, but gave a good show. I stuck to my guns whether or not it was completely accepted.

I will always want more..."