Definition of success

Studio photo by Eve Smith

My definition of success:

Be able to stay free enough in mind, body, and soul to make the work. 

Have a space to make the work in which you can be free in mind, body, and soul so that you don't think about the wall, the floor, the carpet, the extension of your arm, and the paint that drips from that self-expression. 

Have a space to share this work with others.

Have some sort of roof over your head, some sort of clothes on your back, some sort of food in your belly, maintain this basic standard of living. 

Have some sort of family, friends, community, or group of peers that understand you and that speaks a shared language. 

Have love in your life, feel seen, understood, and supported. See, understand, and support others. 

Have a tabby cat.

Laugh, dance, listen to music, be in nature, feel alive, and find beautiful places to walk and explore.

Enjoy and support all forms of culture.

Share all of this with others.

Contemplation

I am cleaning up my thoughts and stories that surround my art, process, and why I make art in the first place. How did I get here?

I feel this is some dark and murky territory and I feel deeply challenged as I wade in. This is an emotional landscape. I feel a bit lost, floating around the edges of things unable to put words to where I am in my head regarding my art. I feel like I am hovering above the meaning of it all and my feet are nowhere near touching.

This is not a bad thing, it's just uncomfortable and that is a good thing. I am challenged and I don't have any answers. So with this knowledge, I move forward.

Ideas about value and worth swirl around my head, mirroring my self-esteem. I have underpriced my work. I have undervalued my work. I have undervalued myself, my time, and my skills. At the same time, I have shied away from the true risk in my work. I have only scratched the surface because of fear. I have been lazy and played it safe. I dance on the outside of my real work in order to keep the peace, in order to fulfill a void, in order to fulfill a need. Not always but often. There are bodies and pieces of my work that go deeper. I remember them as if they were a dream, and I am always trying to get back to that secret door.

I like dirty work, torn work, imperfect work, energetic work and dark work. I always have but I don't allow myself to make this work too often. I hold back, I censor, I repeat and stay safe.