All my rituals

Cover of the Cult Deprogramming manual, 1998-1999
 " ...day to day. Each of us should be willing to flow along with the tide and not set up resistance against anything that comes. This is necessary so that growth and redemption can occur."

Where are my rituals? Where is my mind? And what is okay to reflect on when the world is going to hell and everyone is stressed. It all seems so gross. 

Where are the things that I know to do after 53 years on the planet that uniquely ground, calm, inspire and excite me? Not people like me or similar to me, or that share a set of characteristics to me, and especially not the fucking data set and me. 

ME. I remember from my childhood that Mr. Rogers on PBS would tell me that there was no one else like ME. That each human was unique and special, one of a kind. I liked this idea. There was only one me and only one you. Yet, somehow we could create a kind community and work together.

But then we got other messaging as we were growing up, don't let that uniqueness go to your head, don't feel too special. Who do you think you are? Don't be weird. Don't stick out. Be more like them. Wear this, buy that. Eat this, not that. Say this, and for god sake don't say that. 

Like most, I got swept up in it for periods of time, but I could never maintain the facade. I would rebel against this behaviour and then be an exaggerated version of my "true" self. Back and forth it went until I had no idea who I was.

Over the years, I have been perceived as a rebel, a punk, a writer, an actor, an artist. Politically engaged, and a highly sensitive person. Intense, Self absorbed, Sarcastic, A live wire, Emotional, Anxious, and way too much. 

However, I am also perceived as overly responsible, conscientious to a fault, rule abiding (if they make sense), mature for my age and an old soul (as a child) - and yet also naive, gullible, and a people pleaser. Extremely loyal, tenacious, and dedicated. I am an outwardly hard worker (and working even harder behind the scenes). 

If you didn't know this about me, the algorithm does; and feeds me content that maintains my interest and exploits my weakness. 

Let the record state - that while being many of these perceptions and more, I have also been a consistently funny human. I am not sure if the bastards have figured that out yet. 

Inside the manual

The idea was that the imagined cult member would look at the book and the images would reset their memories and they would be restored to the person their family remembered from before the cult. This was when assuming characters and scenarios were an important part of my work.

Now back to me (and you) and the fucking data set. In 1998-99 I made a piece called "the cult deprogramming manual" at the University of Oregon as part of my BFA terminal exhibition and right now I feel I could benefit from gazing into its pages. I think a lot of us could. You can read a bit more about the manual and some of my other earlier work at the U of O in this old blog post from 2008.

I am so tired of being fed information that the algorithm knows I will like or respond to. I am tired of being sold to and manipulated and I am tired of being mined for data. We all are. I am tired of wondering if an app could help me feel better. I am pretty media savvy and I remember existing long before the internet - but the bastards got me anyway - you can't will power your way out of something so expertly designed and crafted to influence and addict. 

Obviously over the years the internet has been weaponised against us and our poor brains. We have unwittingly found ourselves in a cult. And now I know it's more important than ever to spend time in my studio and turn my back on so much bullshit. 

How are you taking back control or managing your exposure to all of this relentless messaging? How are you still staying engaged with your community (online and offline) while setting limits? How are you staying aware of the problems of the world and taking action without it feeling performative and hollow or without becoming overwhelmed? Have you read or listened to a book on the subject that has impacted you and made a difference in how you are navigating all of this? I'd love to hear about it. 

Until next week, I will be over here clawing back my rituals. 

And remember, that there truly is no one like you and I like you just as you are. Keep Fighting! X.

To feel and remember

perceptibility

I feel like an invisible weight is pressing on me. Why write a studio blog when the world is so uncomfortable and rough and when everything feels fraught? We watch ourselves do our jobs, our chores, our errands, our coffee meetups and our food shopping. As sorrow builds up in our hearts and threatens to drown us, somehow we keep moving. 

We clear or clip the hurdles as the minutes pass, and the sky changes from light to dark. I paint and draw pictures to feel and remember.

patch

I am grateful for the moments of shared humanity and I hate all the sorrow and fear we are living under. Another day, another news cycle, another heartbreak; yet we keep moving, we keep fighting, and somehow we keep loving. 

Please take care of your kind heart. We need you and the gifts you bring. X.

Squarely in the now

work in progress 2026

Happy New Year!

I am sitting at my work table in the studio to write this. I am looking out of the windows to the sky. The sun is casting shadows on the buildings around me. I see planes flying into the city over the Forth, I telepathically welcome them. Seagulls gather on roof tops. I am surrounded by my paint, pencils, charcoal, pastels and brushes. All of my available art from the last 11 years is in one place and under the same roof as me and that feels good. 

I worked yesterday and today in my studio - filled with the "begin the year as you mean to go on" spirit. Filling the pages of an old photo album with mark making and collage. Collage has always been foundational to my work, even though I don't like getting glue on my fingers. It's a good starting point.

We've made it through the holidays, the first without my dad. There are many people missing - loss seems to cling to the years but we carry on.

I don't really want to write a year end review blog for 2025. Maybe this is why. The thought of it seems heavy and complicated.

So, I make another cup of tea, plug in my sunshine lamp, eat some dark chocolate and play music on my big headphones instead.

I will get around to the year end review post eventually (because I am a creature of habit and superstition) but not today. I will write it when I am ready -  that's how I work, I move slow and then I move fast. 

I have been thinking about what I want my art to say and mean in 2026. I don't usually think like that as it seems a bit prescriptive but I thought it could be a good exercise. I usually make art as a necessary exorcism or as a reaction to outside forces.

A pal sends a message: the sun is out and it would be good to get out and away from the screen. I leave my blog and make a mad dash out the door.

It was very cold but bright out. We had mediocre coffee in a dark and divey cafe but we had some top notch laughs. I also noticed bunches of somewhat sad daffodils for sale in the shops - it's too soon, but it is good to remember spring is around the corner. I took photos of the shadows. 

Sunshine on number 55

Once back home, I noticed that there was still a good amount of light left at 4pm. 

Now, I can hear the wild wind outside playing my bamboo chimes, and this is where I am going to leave you on this first Friday of January 2026 - squarely in the now. 

With peace and gratitude from my wintering heart to yours.